Gift Closet Restocked

It seems that most of the gifts that the mayor and his staff had stolen removed borrowed were returned over the past few weeks so that Conehead could throw open the doors and tell everyone that, "It was here the whole time!! Just because you didn't follow the unknown unwritten procedures for viewing the gifts doesn't mean they were ever missing!!"

• As Mayor Brandon Johnson’s administration finally unlocked to the press the controversial City Hall “gift room” Monday, tours revealed what lies inside: Quirky, but generally low-value souvenirs filling metal shelves in a cramped closet space.

  The cache of gifts offered to Johnson and accepted on behalf of the city consisted mostly of T-shirts, hats, drawings and plaques. By opening the door to the room, Johnson is hoping to shut the door on reproving speculation swirling for a month and a half about his gift-accepting policies and the high-end swag reportedly to be found inside.

  It remains to be seen whether letting people see the contents of the room quiets criticism that the mayor has not properly accounted for the gifts his administration has received.

A rumor that a number of high-end purses weren't returned until similar high-end handbags of similar design and value were purchased for various wives, girlfriends, pincushions, etc is still under investigation, but not by the media who is all too eager to not investigate anything.

On a non-coincidental note, we heard ERPS personnel have noticed a bunch of fake merchandise was signed out for reasons unrelated to court appearances.