Tuesday, May 22, 2007


  • Authorities said a 24-year-old man may have been fatally stabbed inside his Marquette Park home with an unlikely weapon -- a house key.

    The victim, Coty Jackson, was pronounced dead at Christ Medical Center in Oak Lawn early Sunday morning.

    Jackson, of the 6400 block of South Artesian Avenue, suffered an apparently fatal stab wound to the back of the neck.

Someone had this idea in the comments section, but we also heard that from now on, everyone in the City will be required to leave their homes, garages and cars unlocked so as to stop this deadly key menace in our midst.

A counter protest group has sprung up, the National Key Association, under the banner that "When keys are outlawed, only outlaws will have keys." The NKA promises to fight the key ordinance every step of the way.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Squad give me an event number for a key enforcement mission.

5/22/2007 02:25:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No reason to outlaw keys.... just outlaw the animals that attempt to use them...savages all of them

5/22/2007 04:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It could have been a large key. Hmmmm, maybe a lockup key???

5/22/2007 06:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about banning rocks too? That old man was killed with a rock in the forest preserve and 2 others injured, where are the anti-gun people to back a total ban on rocks??? They should also jump on the anti-key thing as well now!!

5/22/2007 10:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe it was an Assault key?? We really should ban all those assault style weapons.

5/22/2007 12:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I start op the NKA, National Key Association to protect all key owners? Guns don't kill people, stupid people and mayors do.

5/22/2007 02:17:00 PM  
Anonymous In da know said...

No need to worry about registering your housekeys people, the States Atty's office refused to prosecute.

5/22/2007 02:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Carrying keys will now be a UUW charge.CPD will form Area 2 key team.You will have to fill out a key registration card in the Emrald city every year.

5/22/2007 03:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He had lockjaw and she was attempting to assist him but nit his neck when he moved.

errr. Eugene

5/22/2007 04:53:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Off topic, but has anyone seen my car keys, I lost them about a week ago.

5/22/2007 06:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lets ban smoovers, they kill people too.

5/22/2007 07:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

guns kill people...

pencils fail exams...


keys commit murder...

They must all be outlawed right ? "Goose Liver" Burke and the silly council?

Silly Silly Silly

5/22/2007 07:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Any key evidence to this case?

5/22/2007 09:53:00 PM  
Anonymous alan keyes said...

Please keep my good name out of this!
Seems youz people have a problem with me since the "obama" beef.....

5/22/2007 10:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the Area Key and Rock team will go undercover dressed as goofs, [as usual] and will hide out by locksmiths, and by parks, gravel pits, quarries, and hardware stores, blending in with the environment, undercover, and ready to take down any key or rock armed offenders, in this Emerging Crime Trend, discovered by all our new CPD million-dollar plus technology.

5/22/2007 11:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no wonder Morgan Locksmith is always so busy.

5/23/2007 12:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe we should ban it, what was the magazine capacity of that key?did it have a pistol grip?a bayonet stud?did it look like a military key?or a flash hider?was it even registered?

5/23/2007 11:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

outside roll call at the nearest locksmith

5/23/2007 11:29:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A key component seems to be missing from this caper !

What's the law say on "keys"?

5/23/2007 12:45:00 PM  
Anonymous some civilian said...

Weird... that was the method of murder in an episode of "Life on Mars". (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0758089/)

Maybe BBC America made her do it?

5/23/2007 01:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Keesing Bandit says----

This case has me all keyed up. Now, kees me you fool!!!

5/23/2007 11:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Carrying keys within 1000 feet of a school is a Federal offense.

5/24/2007 01:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ban locks,this is key to reducing key based violence.If criminals do not have access to locks,they will have no need for keys.

5/24/2007 01:42:00 AM  

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