Monday, March 30, 2009

Kass Contest

If one of our readers doesn't win this thing, or at least place three entries in the top ten, we'll be disappointed:
  • A delegation from the International Olympic Committee arrives here this week, ready to be romanced by Mayor Richard Daley, who is in desperate lust to host the 2016 Olympic Games in Chicago.

    And we need to help him.

  • Let's give the IOC some suggestions for real, Chicago-style Olympic sporting events, so that the 2016 Olympics will have an authentic Chicago flavor.
Kass provides a hint of what he is looking for:
  • I'm talking Chicago-style events like the Bag-Man Relay Races, or the Bag-O-Quarters Clean-and-Jerk Parking Meter competition; and the 100-Meter Dash to Affirmative Action Contracts Won by White Guys.

    Or, perhaps one of you might suggest that the IOC adopt the most important event of the 2016 Chicago Olympics:

    Hide the Subcontractor.

    Another exciting Chicago Olympic event might be the 400-Meter Real Estate Pairs Run.
Click the link at the top for the article. Entries can be mailed to



Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about the "How long can you hide in your city car or truck and look like your NOT sleeping" Event?

3/30/2009 12:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too Fucking funny, I fell of my chair backwards laughing.

"Hide the dub-contrator".

The midget will not wash his hair for a month after this is over. Normal for him is twice a month.

Maybe we will get some tears from him. This man really need help !!!

3/30/2009 12:10:00 AM  
Anonymous heard it here first said...

How about a city pole vault competition... We will call it the "Chicago way pole vault" In this event, the people/person who raise their own bar the highest WINS!! Despite sticking it to those city workers who actually deserve a city handout, these competitors have made a name for themselves via dirty work for the king, or through corrupt city hall pay outs!

First off, Chicago Aldermen, who despite giving themselves a 6% raise, and their staff a 5% raise, have by and large, sided with the mayor over the police and fire who are asking for (and expect to settle for) a mere 4% raise over 5 years!

Second up is Jacquelyn Heard... who has graciously raised her bar to the tune of $12,000 a year! I guess Jackie is exempt from the very economy HIZZONER is claiming is so terrible that city employees are taking layoffs and furloough days accross the board! (Jackie gets an extra foot on her bar for making over $172,000 per year to be DA MAYORS mouthpiece!) Jackie's staff even is apparently exempt from this same economy... her staff of 15 have also received in upwards of 7% raises eventhough many members receiving over $80,000 have admitted to only writing 4 speeches per year... that gets an extra 6 inches...
And finally... the last competitors are the CPS teachers union! Despite a failing grade accross the board, despite being the most important pawns of an incredibly failing system, have asked for, and despite this economy, gotten themselves a 4.5% raise accross the board! This under achieving union has vaulted themselves to a new high! Unfortunately, for the tax payers, it is actually a very low low!

But since Da Mayors son has raided the citys pension system, and greased a few palms (alderthieves), the judge is no other than SHORTSHANKS HIMSELF! The police and fire attempted to get into this event, however, shortshanks arbitrarily raised the bar while they were mid way through their approach, so they were disqualified!

They are now picketing city hall...

The gold medalist in this event is.... To be unsealed at a later date by Patrick Fitzgerald who is holding the manilla indictment! (and da judge himself is furioous and has deferred comment to his earlier comment that he states is sufficient!)

This event is only the tip of the proverbial iceberg... Just wait until Al Sanchez leads off the 4 x 100 "chicago way" relay while Ike Corouthers is warming up for the "chicago way" decathlon!!!

3/30/2009 12:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how about the sandbag seatbelt and stop missions. could be a good event-- how many could you write in 30 mminutes.

3/30/2009 02:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Identify who hired Angelo Torres. Contestants would enter a maze. At each decision point they would be given false clues. In the true "Chicago way" there would be no path that would lead to the answer.

3/30/2009 07:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Hot Pursuit said...

Here's a try

The Aldermen shuffle…

All participants, after loading themselves down with cash, 6% pay raises, #1.3 million expense account, will run a 5k loaded down with cash and stop by each and every business and keep loading their pockets.

To win is a culmination of two things, crossing the finish line and with the most cash wins da gold.

3/30/2009 07:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about "The Roseland Car Lot Money Drop Off and Pick-up" game that Jesse Jackson and his two off duty CPD made famous?

And he needs a beer distributorship? That motherfucker must be as rich as Midas.

3/30/2009 08:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The midget will not wash his hair for a month after this is over. Normal for him is twice a month.

Maybe we will get some tears from him. This man really need help !!!

3/30/2009 12:10:00 AM

I really get the impression Daley does not bathe as often as he should.

3/30/2009 08:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To increase revenue, the lottery could use their lotto machines so that for a $1.00 you could guess the date Daley spends his first full day at the MCC.

The best part is that no matter what the date, all of the honest people of Chicago will win!

3/30/2009 08:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You had to mention affirmative I'm pissed for the day. How about this one though The company who offers the best service for the best price gets the contract instead of the oh laaauuudddyyyy I gots to gets it cause I'm blacks and you is keepsin me down

3/30/2009 08:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about "bidding races" to see which of shortshanks cronies wins the contract with the least kickback.

3/30/2009 09:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1. Drive by shooting skills

2. Most liquor stores on one city block

3. Foot pursuit competition, offenders Vs. police

4. High fence jumping to avoid being caught by police.

5. parking illegally and trying to make it back to your car before the meter maid.

6. Try to get into police station without being caught. Tresspasser in for longest time wins.

7. Target practice with blue light cameras which dont work.

8. Commit crime in front of Blue light camera and sit there waiting to see how long it takes someone to respond. Have this happen at several cameras at same time with different offenders. Last one to be arrested wins. We all know this will be a tie as the cameras don't work.

9 Officer with higher number of denied comp time slips contest.

10. Youngest police impersonator contest.

11. Number of articles stolen from SCC website then published in the Sun Times

12. highest miles on squad car

13. Fastest response time by police officer to a high crime call.

14. Time how long it takes for a parent to notice their child is lost at the taste of Chicago, parent who notices first wins.

15. Number of stool samples left in one yard after the South Side Irish Parade.

16. Longest finger nails on a female police officer

17. Mother with the highest number of different baby daddy's.

3/30/2009 09:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

who wants to be a millionaire?

your life lines are......

i have fedheimers

you are a chumbalone

thats just silly

i had a lapse of judgement

3/30/2009 09:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

For a track and field event:

Let's see how many planters and wrought iron fences can be hurtled!

3/30/2009 10:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

THE INDICTMENT RUN: Time how long it takes our political leaders to run from the front door of the Federal Building to their illegally parked black SUVs after being idicted.

3/30/2009 10:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"heard it here first" said, among other things, "And finally... the last competitors are the CPS teachers union! Despite a failing grade accross the board, despite being the most important pawns of an incredibly failing system, have asked for, and despite this economy, gotten themselves a 4.5% raise accross the board! This under achieving union has vaulted themselves to a new high! Unfortunately, for the tax payers, it is actually a very low low!"

Why such a vicious anti-teacher rant? Just like the mayor and the media, it sounds like you're blaming the teachers for what goes on the schools. We teachers have to deal with the same kinds of community issues as the police. And we have similar problems with our union, as well. If anything, we should all be sticking together!

--retired after 35 years in CPS

3/30/2009 11:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Orange Ticket Dash 100 Meters (half a block) and 200 meters ( the whole block).

The pistol toss for that armed offender on the run.

Cross country foot chase, gangways, alleys, fences, yards.

Intramural dog fighting

Screw your citizens/employees and make them look like the bad guys

3/30/2009 01:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think we should open up the Chicago Olympics with 'Synchronized Skimming.' This is the competition amongst our Mayor and Aldercreatures who all work together to see who can come up with the most rediculous consumer item to slap a special tax on.

The 'Fencing' competition has already been rigged, with ShortShanks favorite company (GF Structures) winning the gold.

The 'Rowing' competition will be slightly modified to become the 'Corn-Rowing' competition, where local yutes from da 'hood will be allowed to compete.

The 'Shooting' competition will feature dozens of Chicago Public School students armed with Raven Arms and Lorcin .380 caliber pistols with the serial numbers filed off. Most of these students will be males in their freshman or sophmore year of high school - (average age 18 to 19 years old).

That leads us directly to the 'Diving' competition, where the 14 to 15 year old "targets" dive under cars and porches to avoid being shot by the competitors in the above listed 'Shooting' competition.

The 'Basketball', 'Boxing' and 'Wrestling' competions will all be combined into one event, since the 'Basketball' competition always leads to the other two in Chicago.

The 'Cycling' competition will feature 15 and 16 year old males riding their little sister's pink bicycle in a race carrying packs of heroin and crack from the dope house to the dealer. This may also be combined with the 'Shooting' and 'Diving' competitions for maximum audience entertainment. Details will be released at a later date.

'Archery' will be changed to 'Marchery', where young folks will compete, doing outlandish and silly dances similar to those seen in the Bud Billiken parade.

That's all I got for now, stay tuned for updates!


3/30/2009 02:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HOW about an Archery Contest, with the Target being a Pea on top of Daley's Head ? The event starts out Like Pin the Tail on the Donkey [Daley], with the Contestants being blindfolded, and spun around. Then they are given the Bow and Arrow, and the First one to knock the Pea off Shortshanks head is the Gold MedalWinner.

3/30/2009 04:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about a "Dwarf Tossing Event" and the winner would be the CPD Officer who can Toss SHORTSHANKS the Farthest.

3/30/2009 04:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about the "BEAN"-POLE VAULT, where Daley is strapped down flat, face down, on ground, on the far side of the "Bean" and our overweight officers , male and femal, wagon-men, tact guys, Dets; etc; Pole Vault over the "Bean" and the first to successfully Clear the "Bean" and land on Daley, and Squash him, wins the "Gold Chalkie" Medal. Any contestant who also successfully plants the POLE successfully in Daley's Ass before landing on him, also gets to be Mayor of Chicago, FOREVER.

3/30/2009 04:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Loot, Shoot and Scoot Triatholon.

3/30/2009 07:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shortshanks-Oily Ed Pot Hole Race"
who's drivers will miss the most pot holes driving cross city. local streets only!!

3/30/2009 07:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

because the teachers got a raise, and deserved it much less than we do! When was the last time a CPS teacher was killed while teaching? Thats what I thought!

3/30/2009 07:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lost kids contest

See how long it takes the mommas to find their kids at the taste of chicago. To make it more interesting, the kids will not be dressed like gang bangers so they will be harder to spot.

3/30/2009 09:01:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the ENGLEWOOD hip-hop-and bopp event could be held, with the contestants each , using their self -owned or gang 9's, run an obstacle course of common street and alley objects like, garbage cans, locked gates, stripped cars, greasy fried chicken bags strewn all over, and such, under rival gang gunfire. To win you must make it from one end of the course to the finish line, then return to the starting point, without the gunfire, but being chased by a CPD canine dog, without getting caught or bitten.

3/30/2009 10:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about the City Employee pothole filling event. The team that fills the Least amount of Potholes correctly and takes the most coffee breaks, within their shift time WINS, in true Chicago Style.

3/30/2009 10:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how about homeless bum pissing contest? a pair of bums drink all day. one guy hold the bucket while the other guy pees...then they switch. only the piss in the bucket counts...if you piss in the other guy s face or miss .it doesnt count. the fullest bucket wins!

3/30/2009 10:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Find and Accesss the PotHole.

Which ever contestant finds the biggest pothole, and draws over the most additional competitors to stand around and look into said hole, verify it is a hole, and then have some coffee, go to lunch and call it a day, wins.

The easiest part is finding the largest pothole. The hardest is to get a full crew of competitors to stand around, peer inside, and verify it is truly a hole.

3/30/2009 11:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IF accounting was an olympic sport perhaps someone could review the Millennium Park and the O'Hare expansion budgets and figure why oh why are we millions of dollars overdrawn.

A) Plans are posted for bidding process.

B) Major and Minority groups bid on said project indicating I can get that job done for "X" amount of dollars.

C) Bid is accepted, winning contractor immediately starts submitting "overage" costs and the city pays?????

Now why if a job is bid and said bid is accepted - why do we get overages in the 50million dollar range?????

Were there actually that many changes from the initial submission???

3/30/2009 11:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about an old stand by favorite? The 2016 Olympic bird calling contest. Does anyone recall what Da Mare called a fellow politician that was arrested by the FBI?

3/31/2009 01:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"How to steal millions of dollars from City of Chicago Pension Funds and not be arrested".

3/31/2009 02:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cash for Matches - Hide bags of quarters in an old city structure (like County Hospital, CHA high-rise, City Hall). Quarters Boyle, the Aldercreatures, and various members of Shortshanks' staff will dash through the buildings, to find and collect bags of coin before Matches Boyle succeeds in burning the place down.

3/31/2009 02:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Chicago Way said...

Can I get some help please? I'm standing in front of the Daley Estate in Michigan with the cash I was supposed to drop off for my No Bid Contract. The only person here is that little southside state senator who washes city limos on the grounds on Weds, he's no help. He keeps talkin bout my soul n shit. I looked around back, but all I saw was a bloody baseball bat, apparently from some old party that was thrown. Beer cans all over the place. I looked inside the mansion window and found something kind of strange. All the doorways are only about five feet high! Oh well, I'm not staying here all day. I'll just pass the cash through the family priest again, or use my key for one of the grandchildren's safety deposit boxes again. Oh that reminds me, I have to make my donation to that sham charity to get my regular booth at Taste of Chicago, and I have to buy ten tables at that zoo fundraiser so my son in law keeps his C.P.D. Command.
Never mind, I got to go. I have a lot of stops.

3/31/2009 03:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Timed evacuation of broken down L train.

3/31/2009 05:13:00 PM  

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