Brandon Body and Conehead Corpse

A two-fer!

• Two gunshot victims experienced delayed emergency responses on Sunday because people who heard the gunfire could give police only general locations, making it harder for officers to quickly find them. One victim, whose 911 call disconnected, appears to have waited 17 minutes for help to arrive.

  Both shootings occurred in areas that were previously covered by the city’s ShotSpotter gunfire detection network, which Mayor Brandon Johnson disconnected in September 2024. Despite Johnson’s assurances that a new and better system would be identified and deployed, the city has not announced a replacement, much less installed one.

First, the dead one:

• The first shooting occurred around 3:37 a.m. Sunday in the Altgeld Gardens housing complex. Chicago police officers stationed in the area reported hearing gunfire and began searching for its source. No other calls reporting gunfire came in, and nobody called 911 to report a person who had been shot. About five minutes after hearing the shots, the officers found a man lying in the 13100 block of South Lankley Avenue and immediately called for an ambulance.

  Devon Jones, 25, who lived on the same block, was pronounced dead at the University of Chicago Hospital, according to CPD and Cook County Medical Examiner records.

Then the wounded one:

• At about 5:16 a.m., a woman called 911 and reported hearing gunshots in the 8400 block of South Vincennes Avenue. She told dispatchers she believed the gunfire came from a nearby lot.

  About seven minutes later, a man called 911 and said he had been shot near 82nd Street and South Emerald Avenue, almost directly across a relatively open area from where the woman had heard the gunfire. The man’s call disconnected before he could provide an exact address.

  Ten minutes after his call, and 17 minutes after the woman’s initial call, CPD officers found the man on a porch in the 8200 block of South Emerald Avenue. They immediately summoned an ambulance and began lifesaving measures. CPD said the man was taken to Christ Hospital in serious condition.

At this point, Conehead might as well take a page from the BabylonBee (see post down a few spots from this one) and legalize shootings.