Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Funny Funny Funny

Best joke ever from our comments section:
  • Jesse Jackson has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don''t know what to do here" says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I''ll tell you what I''m going to do.

    I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I''ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I''ll even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Jesse thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No" Jesse said. "I don''t think so. I''m not a good swimmer, and I don''t think I could do that forever."

    The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Jesse.

    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Jesse saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Jesse looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said "Yeah, I can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said . . .

    "OK, Monica, you''re free to go."
Open post in the meantime. Jesse Jackson jokes preferred.

Labels:

36 Comments:

Blogger kateykakes said...

LMAO. That was a good one.

4/17/2007 12:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh that post was so funny!! How true for every politician out there. They have given more blow jobs than a 25 cent hooker, starting with Daley!

4/17/2007 04:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good one try this one out

Jesse Jackson went to a school class room to visit He asked the classroom to come with a sentence that would include a tragedy.
One kid stood up and said’ A plane lost control and fell out of the sky that would be tragedy ,Jesse said no” that would be a accident
Second kid stood up and said the plane crashed into the side of a mountain that would be a tragedy . Jesse said nope that would be pilot error
Ok Johnny stood up and said Jesse Jackson was on the plane when it hit the mountain
Jesse said yes that would be,, Johnny said Nope that would not be at all

4/17/2007 06:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesse Jackson - depressed?



Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley, on his way home from work at City Hall, came to a dead halt in traffic on the Dan Ryan Expressway and thought to himself, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving at all."
He noticed a State Trooper walking back and forth between the lines of cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, I'm Mayor Richard M. Daley, what's the problem; what's holding everything up."

The trooper replied, "It's the Reverend Jackson. He's so depressed about the thought of everyone knowing about his extra-martial affair and his illegitimate child, that he stopped his car in the middle of the Dan Ryan Expressway and is threatening to douse himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. He says the country and his congregation are blaming him for his infidelity and doesn't know if he can live with the shame and embarrassment. The people in the halted cars along the expressway are taking up a collection for him."

"Oh really," replied Mayor Daley. "How much have they collected for the Reverend Jackson so far?"

"About 300 gallons," said the trooper, "but they are still siphoning"

4/17/2007 07:57:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Kudos to the originator/writer of this one! Laughed my ass of and have used it.

4/17/2007 08:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesse Jackson is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the Rev. Jackson if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.

"No," says the Great Jesse Jackson," that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted spiritual leader. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer.

Rev. Jackson searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If a plane carrying the Rev. Jackson were struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims Jackson, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

4/17/2007 08:56:00 AM  
Blogger happyjoyjoyjoy said...

thank you for the giggles. and now, ahem, Say hello to my little friend (thank you scarface).

4/17/2007 10:59:00 AM  
Blogger Dr. Feelgood said...

uhm, hi.
okay a joke. let me pull out the old reliable (playboy).
Why wont cannibals eat divorced women?

They're always bitter.

4/17/2007 11:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

GOD BLESS AMERICA !



Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago Democratic congressman Mel Reynolds
to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition's payroll.

Reynolds was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute forgiveness spree.

Reynolds received a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and lies to the Federal Election Commission.

He is more notorious, however, for concurrently serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer.

This is a first in American politics.

An ex-congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a president who had sex with a subordinate, then was hired by a clergyman who had sex with a subordinate."

- Columnist Deroy Murdock,
Scripps Howard News Service, 2/8/01

4/17/2007 11:23:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We all heard about Jackson's admission that as a teen waiter at a country club in North Carolina, he used to "spit in whitey's food" before serving them.

My personal favorite was based on a lone Jackson walking down a dark street in D.C. around midnight. He recounted this episode the following evening to an all-black convention.

He heard footfalls behind him and became frightened. He then tells his audience that he turned around only to find it was "three WHITE boys". He then "breathed a sigh of relief."

Secret Service agents assigned to Jackson during his erstwhile presidential run have scores of accounts of his behind closed doors womanizing, particularly with white female media.

Yet, "Slick Willie" sought "the Rev" for "religious counselling" for the Monica Lewinsky blowjobs and his other debaucheries.

Jackson is an extortionist, a charlatan, a hypocrite and a rabble-rouser who will never hesitate to "play the race card".

God forgive me, but I would be ecstatic if he were the recipient of a volley of BLACK bullets.

4/17/2007 11:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Jesse Jackson joke would go like this...

Jesse Jackson walking into a meeting and starts his greeting by saying
"Flippity Jing Jing Pitang Wong"

and Bill Cosby rolls his eyes at yet another black figurehead who can not speak the language...

You might not get the joke but I'm sure da'mare will love it.

4/17/2007 11:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey speaking of racism, did anyone catch Oprah? I hate her,no I loathe her, but was sitting in the dentist waiting room this morning and caught the last 20 mins. I was shocked. The black leaders on her show were pretty much saying GET OVER YOURSELF and stop making excuses for "bringing a brother down" I don't know if the begining of the show reflected the same way but I was pretty impressed. Too bad we can't trade our wannabe black leaders in for a few that were on the show!

4/17/2007 02:49:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you know that 80% of all women have been battered...

And to think, I've ben eating them plain all these years.

4/17/2007 04:05:00 PM  
Anonymous banjo eyes said...

"I AM SOMEBODY!"

4/17/2007 05:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Moral Dilemma


Moral question

This is a moral Question. This is an imaginary situation, but I think
it is interesting to decide what one would do. The situation: You are
in the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes
have been lost, water supplies compromised and infrastructures
destroyed. Let's say that your a photographer out getting still
photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for particularly
poignant scenes. You come across the Reverend Jesse
Jackson who has been swept away by the floodwaters.

He is hanging on to a tree limb and is about to go under. You can
either put down your camera and save him, or take a Pulitzer
Prize winning photograph of him as he loses his grip on the limb.

So, here's the question, and think carefully before you answer
the question below.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Which lens would you use?

4/17/2007 05:31:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you know that 80% of all women have been battered...

And to think, I've ben eating them plain all these years.

-----------------------------------

LMAO!!!!

4/17/2007 05:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Filed under: joke — gandalf23 @ 3:05 pm
Dan Rather, Reverend Jesse Jackson, NPR reporter Cokie Roberts, and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?”

Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowl of hot, spicy chili.” The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing “We Shall Overcome” one last time.”

The chief said, “Go right ahead, we’re listening.” Jackson sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”

Cokie Roberts said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job ’til the end.” The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.

“What?” said the chief. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine. So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a M9 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his ALICE pack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”

“What?” said the Marine, “And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?”

:0

4/17/2007 05:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw a great b-day card.... on the top front cover, it says "TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY" and shows a cartoon like of a smiling hilary clinton sitting behind a big desk, and with a name plate that says..President Hilary Clinton. open the card and it says.."SEE IT'S NOT SO BAD"

4/17/2007 06:02:00 PM  
Anonymous idi amin dada said...

Out Today in DVD at your local video store:

"The Last King of Scotland"

Actor Forest Whitaker turns in an Oscar-winning performance as my mentor, LeRoy Martin, the bloodthirsty, treacherous Ugandan dictator.

4/17/2007 08:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jessie Jackson gets a job.

That's it, end of joke.

4/17/2007 09:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesse Jackson, the Pope, the president, and a boy scout are on a small private plane when the lone pilot announces, "the plane is going down! I'm bailing out! You're on your own", and grabs one of only 4 parachutes.
With only 3 parachutes remaining, the president says, "Well, I am the leader of the greatest nation on earth. I must survive. I'm taking a parachute." With that, the pres takes a chute and jumps to safety.
Jesse Jackson says, "I'm the world's smartest black man. It is imperative that I survive for the good of my people" and with that takes a chute and jumps.
With only one remaining parachute, the pope says to the boyscout, "My son. I have lived a long, good life. Your whole life is ahead of you. Take the last remaining parachute so that you may survive".
The boyscout says, "That's OK, father. We both have chutes----the world's smartest black man just jumped out with my backpack!"

4/17/2007 10:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesse Jackson wakes up one morning, looks in the mirror and noticed that his right eye had turned blue

He phones the doctor who tells him to come right in for an appointment

The doc examines him and tells Jess, I think I know whats wrong, I'll have you good as new in no time

The doc leaves the room and comes back a few minutes later with a bottle.

He gives Jessie the bottle and tells him to drink the contents

Jessie drinks the bttle and says, "Man, that stuff tasted like shit, what was it?"

The doctor says, "it was shit, you
were a quart low."

4/17/2007 11:26:00 PM  
Blogger BurbCopsChicago said...

Bill Clinton confiding in his mentor Jesse-

Bill: I'm banned from the white house kitchen

Jesse: How come, Bubba?

Bill: I got caught puttin' my dick in the pickle slicer...sounds weird, but it's something I've always wanted to do

Jesse: Damn, Bubba...thats dangerous. Did they at least get rid of the pickle slicer?

Bill: Yeah, she's been fired

4/18/2007 01:03:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

(OT) The Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father if
they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair
cut, and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying
your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been
thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that
Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long
hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?"

4/18/2007 10:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

"In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language... and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people."

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

4/18/2007 10:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No matter how much you try to make fun of him, he and his family are one of the most influential black families in the world, remember, he even got prisoners freed overseas when your idiotic sorry excuse for a government couldn't, also, his grandson makes more in a year than you make in 10byears, not to speak of the fact that his whole family's bank accounts far surpass yours and your families put together!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

4/18/2007 08:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No matter how much you try to make fun of him, he and his family are one of the most influential black families in the world, remember, he even got prisoners freed overseas when your idiotic sorry excuse for a government couldn't, also, his grandson makes more in a year than you make in 10byears, not to speak of the fact that his whole family's bank accounts far surpass yours and your families put together!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

That statement could be debated....It could be argued that
Jackson and his family would not be influential or rich had he not played the extortionist and blackmailed every business that he had a run in with.....You must be a Jackson relative....are you enjoying your budweiser dealership position?? The population of black americans in the united states is I believe around 36 million that counts for less than...I think 15% nationwide......Jackson's Influential in the larger picture I think not.......Rich.....sure and the IRS ought to look into that phony reverand's financial dealings ....by the way ....I can't think of one thing that Jackson has done for the average Joe......though his mistress has a nice house and he pays $10,000.00 per month child support.....he is a over the hill gas bag....that has gotten rich....by cheating....extortion and off the backs of the black people who worship him......and who..by the way... have not recieved any Budweiser dealerships that I am aware of......that you believe that he and his family are rich and influential is a fair statement.....that you believe that it is somehow justified is unfortunate.......Jackson is a joke..........and so is his family......and by the way most people despise him so much...that Jackson Jr. probably couldn't be elected to dogcatcher on a national level....that is the legacy he has left his son...........so ha ha ha ha ha too you moron............

4/19/2007 08:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

No matter how much you try to make fun of him, he and his family are one of the most influential black families in the world, remember, he even got prisoners freed overseas when your idiotic sorry excuse for a government couldn't, also, his grandson makes more in a year than you make in 10byears, not to speak of the fact that his whole family's bank accounts far surpass yours and your families put together!!!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

__________________________________-

Yeah, i'm gonna still have to go with a big "Fuck Jesse Jackass!!!" on that one.

4/19/2007 11:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Dan said...

A Rabbi, and Hindu, and Jesse Jackson are traveling on the road when their car dies in front of a farm during the night. They go to the door and meet an old Farmer, who says that they can stay the night. However, the farmer has only room enough for two of them, while the last one has to stay in a barn.

The Rabbi agrees to stay in the barn. He leaves. A few minutes later, a knock is heard at the door. It is the Rabbi. He says "Sorry, I cannot stay in the barn. Contact with pigs are not allowed in my religion."

The Hindu then agrees to stay in the barn. He leaves. A few minutes later, a knock is heard at the door. It is the Hindu. He says "Sorry, I cannot stay in the Barn. Cows are sacred in my religion."

Then Jesse Jackson agrees to stay in the barn. He leaves. A few minutes later, a knock is heard at the door. It is the pig and cow.

4/19/2007 05:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To 4/19/2007 08:18:00 AM, it does not matter, I said it, so it has to be the truth! ha ha ha ha

No matter how he got his money, he still has far more than you or your entire family will ever have.
laugh to the bank jessie, laugh to the bank jessie, laugh to the bank jessie

Make a joke about that you idiot!! ha ha ha ha Oh by the way, I am laughing at you.

4/19/2007 11:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Isn't Opraha billionaire. So what, she can care less what you think about her you little person. She has more money, power and influence than you or anyone you know, or even anyone you lie and say you know ever will have. I think she has more money than 99.9% of the entire world. I want her to laugh at your stupid ass too! Go Oprah, laugh all the way to the bank, go Oprah, laugh all the way to the bank

4/19/2007 11:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jesse Jackson, the Pope, the president, and a boy scout are on a small private plane when the lone pilot announces, "the plane is going down! I'm bailing out! You're on your own", and grabs one of only 4 parachutes.
With only 3 parachutes remaining, the president says, "Well, I am the leader of the greatest nation on earth. I must survive. I'm taking a parachute." With that, the pres takes a chute and jumps to safety.
Jesse Jackson says, "I'm the world's smartest black man. It is imperative that I survive for the good of my people" and with that takes a chute and jumps.
With only one remaining parachute, the pope says to the boyscout, "My son. I have lived a long, good life. Your whole life is ahead of you. Take the last remaining parachute so that you may survive".
The boyscout says, "That's OK, father. We both have chutes----the world's smartest black man just jumped out with my backpack!"

Jokes are funny but this one just sounds very racist.

The only thing I will say is that I understand why he spat in people's food in the 50's and 60's. Just remember Emmitt Till, Swarner, Chaney, and Goodman. That was just about the only way you could fight back without getting Killed in those days. In this day and age it would be nasty, and unexcusable.

4/20/2007 12:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just to be fair. post a how dumb is the president joke. Maybe, a who really makes it on merit? Clues; they like the color green, pots of gold at the end of the rainbow, and they are not pimps. Answer I----H from the South W--T side 19th W--D.
that amounts to about sixty percent of merit promotions.

4/20/2007 12:52:00 AM  
Anonymous YAK said...

jesse jackson a polish immigrant and a mexican immigrant are in a bar drinking they noticed in a far table that jesus is having wine,baffled by this they ask the bartender hey is that jesus bartender replies yes,they each send jesus a drink tired of drinking jesus gets up and leaves the bar he walks towards the polish immigrant and tap his him on the shoulder,polish immigrant gets up and says lord thank you you have cured me of my shoulder injury now i can go back to work,jesus then touches the mexican immigrant on his back mexican gets up and says lord thank you you have cured my back now i can go to work,jesse jackson witnessing all this see's jesus walking towards him and suddenly gets up as to run and say's "A MAN DONT TOUCH ME IM ON DISABILITY"

4/20/2007 03:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry, he fuckes you, then laughes everyday when he wakes up in his 2 million dollar home, drives his $135,000 car, travels all over the world, buys whatever he feels like it, then orders your dumb ass to write tickets on the cars of those who piss him off!!! I think, that makes you a slave too, doesn't it?

ha ha ha ha

4/21/2007 03:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours
and went home their separate ways.
The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night
before. The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, 'I drove
straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I
blew chunks.'
The second said, 'You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped
my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!'
The third proclaimed, 'Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got
into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole
house down!'
The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first girl spoke out again, 'Listen
girls, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog.'

4/21/2007 06:33:00 PM  

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