Friday, January 25, 2008

Another Reason to Hate Lawyers

And old joke, but still one of the best lawyers jokes ever:
  • A rather well to do gentleman was nearing the end of his life and had made many bequests to various charitable organizations. He still harbored a thought though - what if you could take it with you? Some of it at least.

    So he called for his priest, his doctor and his lawyer and gave each of them an envelope with $100,000 in it. At the graveside service, they were to throw the envelopes into the casket prior to burial so the elderly gentleman would be comfortable in the afterlife.

    The man passed away and the three persons he had summoned followed his final instructions by tossing the envelopes into the casket just before the hole was filled. On the way back to the cars, the priest broke down and announced he had a confession to make.

    "The church needed a new roof, and we were $25,000 dollars short of our fundraising goal. My friends, I shorted our benefactor's envelope that $25,000 and can barely bear the shame.

    The doctor said, "As this appears the time to be completely honest, I too, have a confession to make. The hospital at which I work needed a new x-ray machine and we had to have it soon. $50,000 was the price and I had $100,000 in my possession. I must confess that I shorted the envelope that amount.

    The lawyer shook his head and exclaimed, "Gentlemen, I am ashamed of the both of you. We were trusted to take care of this man's last wishes and he wished us to ensure his continued comforts in the afterlife. That money was for his comfort alone, which is why I threw in a check for the full amount.

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35 Comments:

Anonymous Capt. HarDeHarHar said...

Damn I must be tired. It took me a minute to get that. Funny nonetheless!

:)

1/24/2008 10:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Car 1300 said...

All post menopausal exempts pay only half-price for SPANX body control undergarments at Neiman Marcus and Nordstroms on the Mag Mile.

Do not park your unmarked Crown Vic illegally. It will be ticketed and towed to the pound at your personal expense.

1/24/2008 11:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wouldn't call that joke a scoop. My great great grandfather told that one in World War One. Keep your day blog! We can hardly tell your writers are still on strike! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

1/25/2008 02:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just so you know SCC, Maria Maher was heard ranting and complaining about the comments about her on the blog! She almost stroke out with the child booster chair post! We could hardly hold back the laughter watching her go ape shit!

Thank you! We LOVED it!

One of her exact quotes, They think saying I need a booster chair is suppose to f&*ckin funny? We wanted to say YES so bad! And tell her, even though you do need one, We don't think they make child booster chairs that WIDE!

1/25/2008 02:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From the Mouth of a Sgt.:
Contact Cards, C.T.T.L., and D.O.P.W. is all the department wants.
Go to the suburbs never did nothing merit promotion.
Or maybe you just dont know how to get anything else.

1/25/2008 02:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A cruise ship sank carrying a lawyers convention. Over 1500 attorneys were aboard. The coast guard was able to save 500 attorneys from the sea. Once back on land one of the surviving attorneys asked the coast guard officers how many attorneys were saved. The coast guard officer told the soaking wet attorney that they snatched 500 attorneys from the rough seas. The attorney said, but there was many more there to save. The coast guard officer said, hey 33 1/3% was always a good number for you guys so we stopped at that!

1/25/2008 03:23:00 AM  
Anonymous DEAR ABBY said...

Word has it Jay "maury's toupees"
Grodner's law practice has tanked,so he's going into the match
making business. In an effort to smooth things w/the Police, he's going to fix up hannibal DREW(who's back in the dating scene)w/mope-rah.

JIMMY, I WANT MY F*K'N MONEY!!

1/25/2008 06:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.



"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."



Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney O’Hara, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Higgins, gave me $10,000."



The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to O’Hara. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

1/25/2008 07:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ROFL! Good one!

1/25/2008 10:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They use to say "The only good attorney is a dead attorney" but they dont say that anymore because if the attorney is dead somebody is getting sued.

1/25/2008 11:25:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A signed check is a negotiable instrument, therefore, it is legally the same as currency!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

1/25/2008 12:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Another Oldie But Goodie said...

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer, do you have a locker room in the police station... a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

1/25/2008 12:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fuck all you asshole bosses out there. You clouted, ignorant, holier than thou jagoffs. I hope Jody puts your fatasses on the street, you kiss ass freaks. Come have coffee with me Jody, we'll talk.

1/25/2008 12:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

95% of lawyers give the rest a bad name

1/25/2008 01:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tell the whole truth
Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

The client replied that he did.

Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."

1/25/2008 01:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

From the Mouth of a Sgt.:
Contact Cards, C.T.T.L., and D.O.P.W. is all the department wants.
Go to the suburbs never did nothing merit promotion.
Or maybe you just dont know how to get anything else.

1/25/2008 02:41:00 AM


Hey DO WHATEVER YOU FEEL OUT THERE MAN!!

But I have to agree with the Sgt. Now is not the time to be so PROACTIVE and if you can't figure it out then go ahead and do what you want just don't JAM UP others doing STUPID shit right now POLICE RANGER!

They really only care about the contact cards and some sort of DOC numbers so be careful!

1/25/2008 01:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SCC, Might be an attorney?

1/25/2008 02:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Hannibal Drew"...I like that. This jag is in the media so much, that's how I'm going to refer to him. Thanks to whoever said it first.

1/25/2008 03:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

True story. Two seasoned defense lawyers at 26th street represented two defendants separately. Both were charged with armed robbery. The evidence was exactly the same against both defendants. The jury found one defendant guilty and the other not guilty. When asked to explain why the defense attorney s stated " He got the $10,000 jury trial and he(the guilty one) got the $5000 dollar jury trial. They both laughed.

True story

1/25/2008 05:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pretty funny stuff. I am a lawyer and this shit is great.


* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
* Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
* Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
* Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

1/25/2008 05:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Chicago cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from Chicago.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.
The cop says," License and registration, please."
"What for?" says the lawyer.
The cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
"You still didn't come to a complete stop, Says the cop. License and
registration, please."
The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
"The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!" the cop says.
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
"That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir," the cop says.

At this point, the cop takes out his Billy club and starts beating the ever-loving shit out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down??****************************************************************************************

1/25/2008 05:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey guys, here's one. But this is no joke. A female lawyer that worked at FOP was confronted about screwing up a case. She signed a resignation on the spot but then later sued the FOP claiming that she was filed because she was pregnant. Two FOP trustees, Bob Podgorny and Harold Brown, have been supporting this woman's lawsuit against the Lodge. They're trying to make it an FOP election issue. You might remember Bob as the guy who couldn't show up for work when he was FOP vice-president under Nolan. He's retired now. Bob also tried to expense some car tires to the FOP and ate his was through a lot of dues money. For his part, Harold Brown collected disability benefits from the pension board for years. Once he retired, his disability apparently disappeared as he began working on "police scenarios" jumping in and out of squad cars. And this fucker couldn't have worked light duty? No, he had to raid our pension fund.

THE PUNCH LINE: The traitors Bob Pod and Harold Brown want you to continue to support them financially in their retirement. They are both running for FOP trustee. If you see either or both of these complete assholes before the election, ask them about the issues raised here. DO NOT vote for them.

1/25/2008 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger papa smurf said...

to 12:54 pm on 1/25/2008-- dude you are right on-- the future supervision of this dept is bitchorama-- some good ones left but you have to dig to find them. i don't respect what's on the outside of the shirt but what's inside the shirt.

1/25/2008 11:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

papa smurf said...
to 12:54 pm on 1/25/2008-- dude you are right on-- the future supervision of this dept is bitchorama-- some good ones left but you have to dig to find them. i don't respect what's on the outside of the shirt but what's inside the shirt.

1/25/2008 11:14:00 PM...........................Coward like you could do a better jub. Lazy Fuc$k!

1/26/2008 12:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

An oldie: If you were in a locked room with Saddam Hussein, a poisonous snake and a lawyer and you had a gun with only 2 bullets in it, who would you shoot? Of course, the Lawyer. Twice!!!!

1/26/2008 10:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The fucked up police always hate the lawyers until you need us then you can't kiss my ass enough. Help me!

1/26/2008 12:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

his part, Harold Brown collected disability benefits from the pension board for years. Once he retired, his disability apparently disappeared as he began



FYI! The pension fund does not pay I repeat does not pay Disability benefits they come from a separate fund as the city does not pay into workmens comp. Insofar as the city they save millions of dollars with this system. Disabled officers do not collect from the pension fund. Don't hate the injured officers. Hate the white shirts who are raping the pension.

1/26/2008 12:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down??"

Sweet.

1/26/2008 12:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Next to lawyers, politicians are the scum of the earth.

Sam Bass

1/26/2008 04:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FYI! The pension fund does not pay I repeat does not pay Disability benefits they come from a separate fund as the city does not pay into workmens comp. Insofar as the city they save millions of dollars with this system. Disabled officers do not collect from the pension fund. Don't hate the injured officers. Hate the white shirts who are raping the pension.

1/26/2008 12:18:00 PM

FYI, Mr. FYI,

You don't know shit. Why are disability cases presented and ruled on by the pension fund? The IOD medical roll and payment of medical bills by the City is is place of workers comp. However, payment of disability benefits is approved by, and comes from, the Pension Fund. Also, noone hates injured officers, but everyone should hate people collecting disability when they can work.

1/26/2008 09:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Statistician said...

"Next to lawyers, politicians are the scum of the earth."

What percentage of politicians are lawyers?

1/26/2008 09:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can anyone shed some light on this?

Exempt rank do not get overtime, which is supposedly why they say they are paid the extra 20,30,40,50thousand more per year.

Exempt rank get to retire at the exempt salary, not their D2,D3,D3 or D5 rank salary.

Everyone below exempt rank can get overtime(although exempt won't approve it)but have to retire at their D2,D3,D4 or D5 salary.

Why the double standard and where did this originate?

1/27/2008 01:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know shit. Why are disability cases presented and ruled on by the pension fund? The IOD medical roll and payment of medical bills by the City is is place of workers comp. However, payment of disability benefits is approved by, and comes from, the Pension Fund. Also, noone hates injured officers, but everyone should hate people collecting disability when they can work.


Sorry guy but the first poster was right.
indeed it is a separate fund, The board only decides the case on who has juice or luck.Money does not come from the pension fund comes from city funds placed in a workmen's comp fund which again is separate. and yes its true the city saves millions with this special type of fund yet understand something only Chicago Has this special fund to save money. The Chicago way.

1/27/2008 12:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You don't know shit. Why are disability cases presented and ruled on by the pension fund? The IOD medical roll and payment of medical bills by the City is is place of workers comp. However, payment of d
isability benefits is approved by,


The Chicago police department is self insured, You are not covered by workmen's comp. this is why you do not receive monies for pain and suffering as others do who are covered by workmen's comp. Only CPD is self insured not the other Departments they all receive payment for pain and suffering.

1/27/2008 12:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Greased Wheel said...

"Why the double standard and where did this originate?

1/27/2008 01:47:00 AM"


See Richie, Eddie, Mikey, et al., and remember to bring lots of Chapstick...

1/27/2008 03:19:00 PM  

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