Saturday, September 27, 2008

Gas Attack!

  • SOUTH CHARLESTON, WV – A man arrested for DUI in South Charleston, West Virginia, found himself in a heap of trouble after he farted on an officer while being booked at the police station.

    Jose Cruz was originally arrested and charged with DUI after being stopped on Route 60 for driving with his headlights off.

    The police report indicates that, while being fingerprinted, Cruz moved closer to the officer and passed gas on him. The investigating officer also reported that the “odor was very strong.”

If we could charge like this, last week's DUI arrests would have been the electric chair for two people and the burrito supreme meal would have been the subject of a CR investigation according to a few of our coworkers.

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23 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

He wanted gas, give him CS,CN or Pepper. Filthy savage animals...

9/27/2008 12:24:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Taco Burrito King would be held for aiding and abetting...oh, this is Cook County, never mind.

9/27/2008 12:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Those wagon guys in 025 fart all the time.

9/27/2008 12:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You would not have had that problem had you not pulled his finger.

9/27/2008 06:23:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Shortshanks, I fart in your general direction. Now beathe through your mouth so you can taste my ass.

9/27/2008 07:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Openings for special mission team:

Flatus
Apprehension
Recon
Team

9/27/2008 08:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That Was The Jagoff's Way Of Voting For Obama Bin Laden

Maybe It Was A Vote Of Confidence For Shortshanks Too

9/27/2008 09:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why do cops do stupid things like arresting people for farting?

do they have no clue how silly and petty this makes them look?

9/27/2008 09:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nothing. NOTHING are worse than slider farts. Nothing.

9/27/2008 09:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe they'd try to get the death penalty for the dude if he went to White Castle.

9/27/2008 09:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Screw said...

Well... we might not have a charge for it, but I do carry a bitch slap with me at all times for just the occasion.

9/27/2008 09:24:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO

9/27/2008 10:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a partner that burned all the hair out of my nose!

9/27/2008 10:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know a certain detective who has gas all the time, he is tall must be full of shit!!

9/27/2008 10:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

at least he only farted....how many drunks shit their pants or piss themselves before they hit the lockup? too many times

9/27/2008 12:39:00 PM  
Blogger Too Many Dummies said...

Talking about gas attacks: I'm a DUI writer. One of the most hilarious DUI arrests I had was the drunk driver who had a bowel movement in his pants during the finger to nose test. As the drunk pressed his finger to his nose, he suddenly tensed up, put one of his hands behind back and onto his buttocks. A loud ripping noise emitted from him. At first I didn't know where the noise came from. The drunk continued to tense up and more ripping noises were emitted from the drunk. At this time, I asked the drunk: "What's wrong?" The drunk replied in a rising voice which sounded like he was in pain, "I think, I think..." and now the drunks voice reached a screeching cresendo, "I THINK! I THINK! I THINK I CRAPPED MY PANTS! OH MY GOD! I CRAPPED MY PANTS!" At the same time, I noticed two things: (1)A terrible stench beyond human description hit the air. (2)Something was moving down the inside of the drunk's pants. It was his bowel movement. As it exited the cuff of his pants and into the air, an incredibly terrible stench magnified causing all the P.O.'s at the scene to step away from the drunk. This field sobriety test occured on a bike path. The stench of the drunks bowel movement was not only terrible, it had great range: A female jogger was downwind approaching us, not aware that field sobriety tests were being administered. She stopped fifty feet away from us, looked at the bottom each of her shoes. Relieved she hadn't stepped on something unpleasant, she continued by us wrinkling her nose searching the ground to no avail for the cause of the offending stench. The drunk was transported by a wagon to the district. I walked into the station to be greeted by a desk crew and watch commander. The watch commander cried out: "Can we I-bond this guy right now and get him out of the station?" Unfortunately for the desk crew and watch commander, Illinois law changed: DUI's had to be processed in the lockup before being released. They were stuck with the drunk and his stench until I could get the tickets written and DUI paperwork written.

To end this long story and finally get the drunk out of the station, we were able to contact his neighbor, a middle aged women. She arived at the station, walked in, wrinkled her nose, and asked "What's that smell?" None of answered, but all of us had the most guiltiest looks on our faces. As her neighbor emerged from the lockup and approached the front desk wearing one of those papersuits usually used for potential lockup suicides, she asked: "What are you wearing?" the drunk held up a large lockup inventory bag and replied, "They gave it to me. My clothes are in this bag." The woman recoiled as the drunk held the bag up. Now the neighbor didn't want to take the drunk home. However, some smooth talk by all of us persuaded her to perform an altruistic act. As the drunk departed out the front door,along with the stench, some copper asked,"Hey did anybody get the alcohol content?"

9/27/2008 06:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Fartery to a police officer!

9/27/2008 07:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HI FROM DA MAYOR,

I don't understand this man getting charged. After all, I actually shit on you guys everyday and no one does a thing about it..Can someone explain??

Your Mayor,
Dick Daley

9/27/2008 08:33:00 PM  
Blogger Too Many Dummies said...

In an earlier posting, I mentioned the drunk driver who crapped in his pants. Any copper with a year or more on the job will have a "gas attack" story involving another copper or arrestee. I remember hearing about this one from an old timer.

One night, two young female coppers assigned to a beat car, just off probation, are overheard complaining about the condition of their squad car after roll call. Some of the other officers in the parking lot, hearing the uproar, walk over. Both of the young female officers are sitting in their squad car. They're upset by the poor air quality in the car. They exclaim: "Oooooooh! It smells like used diapers in here! It smells like that all night! Why is that?!?" None of said anything and shrugged our shoulders. Just then, the two females received a traffic accident with injuries call and they drove off. But those of us remaining in the lot knew the truth: It was the two guys on the previous watch, who for entertainment, would eat polish sausage sandwiches and attempt to gas and gross each other out for the entire shift.

All of the experienced coppers knew not to be assigned to that particular beat car. After a month, we discovered the two female were good coppers and clued them in.

9/27/2008 09:31:00 PM  
Blogger Too Many Dummies said...

SCC: Just a hunch. It's 9:45 pm here. Did the gas attack postings exceed 500?

9/27/2008 09:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Get on the Area 2 FART team.

9/27/2008 09:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ess okay, right mang?

9/27/2008 09:48:00 PM  
Blogger cpd4176 said...

oh poo!

9/29/2008 12:03:00 AM  

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