Shades of J. Edgar

Now this is some funny writing:

• "A Chicago Carol..."
  
  Attention...J-fed, its the ghost of J-edgar. In life, I was the first director of our beloved FBI. Yes, I'm over here in the hot pink satin number.
  
  I am here with a warning.
  
  You were brought up as a good FBI special agent, filled with promise. But you have chosen a path which leads to doom.
  
  Feds don't know jack shit about municipal law enforcement. Its just not what they do. Therefore, YOU don't know shit about municipal law enforcement. Really. Nada. You have gone astray, and are in way over your head...these locals actually lay hands on people. Or they would, if you stopped screwing with them.
  
  I saw your TV interview online . Yes, in the afterlife we have some kick ass internet access.
  
  My son, the failed "community policing" fad has gasped its last breath. Work with community groups and people will stop shooting each other? [moan] Don't throw cops at the problem, throw money to the Rev's? (loud moan) The locals have tried it. It just got the Rev's richer, bolder and more demanding.
  
  I thought when you started gutting CAPS you figured it out. I guess not.
  
  And where do you get off with wearing that uniform? When did the FBI teach you to wear a uniform? The CPD guys (most of them) earned every stitch of that uniform, and they don't think a trip to Kale's gives you the right to wear one. You'd have more credibility in a black off the shoulder dress and pearls. At least in my eyes.
  
  And your kowtowing to a local politician? Oh, Daley is a pro, but we are the FBI. He should be kissing your rear, not the other way around. Jeeze, boy. He's going to throw you to the wolves as soon as he can.
  
  And not even our FBI stats people can crunch the Chicago numbers to make them look good. And whats this crap you are saying: Learning curve year??? Did we teach you line?
  
  People are dying at a faster pace. But its OK...you're almost done learning?? What were you thinking?
  
  "This year we'll get results?" THAT line will haunt you in about 50 weeks. And the press haunts better than I do. Unless you are Barry Obama.
  
  I won't waste your time sending three ghosts or any of that fancy shit.
  
  Reform your life and career! There's a SAC job in Brokeback Mountain Wyoming that has your name on it. You'll be happier and more successful in the long run running down interstate trafficking in rebranded cattle....
  
  Reform...reform... refor....
  
  (Fades out)

We'd love to be able to write comedy like that.