Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Rent a Gun

  • Touting the program’s convenience and affordability, Chicago officials unveiled Monday the city’s new gun-sharing service, “QuikShot,” which allows individuals to check out a loaded firearm for short periods of time.

    The municipal initiative, through which users can rent semiautomatic pistols, shotguns, rifles, and submachine guns at more than 250 self-service kiosks, has reportedly been designed to make firepower easily available to residents and tourists alike nearly everywhere within the city limits.

    “QuikShot lets anyone with a credit card walk up to one of our street-side firearm stations, select a gun, and head out into the Windy City fully armed in just a few seconds,” program director Arvind Reynolds told reporters, noting that borrowers can either rent their weapon for increments of 30 minutes or withdraw it for a full 24 hours if they plan on using it throughout the day. “With QuikShot, you and your friends can each take a Beretta up to Wrigley Field, or you can head to an outdoor concert in Millennium Park with a concealed 9mm revolver, or you can simply take in the great view of the Magnificent Mile from the roof deck of the Hancock tower through a scoped sniper rifle. The possibilities are truly endless with QuikShot.”
This could solve our pension crisis and reduce crime rates all at the same time!

(yes, we're aware it's from The Onion.)



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Silencer not included

9/16/2015 12:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys really are amazing. In a funny kinda way.

Rahm Emmanuel

9/16/2015 01:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

>Blinks of disbelief<

O_o? o_o? o_O?

"The Muthafuckin' Onion?"
Are THEY taking up SCC's
"Sarcasm and Silliness" credo?

>Howls Of Laughter! XD<


As gags and put-ons go,
they strained and broke
a little wind rolling this on
on stage...

Sometimes as a Chicago Policeman,
ya gotta just play shit for laughs or be
driven mad to the point of rolling around
on the ground, foaming at the mouth and
biting yourself.

Or sticking the barrel of a 5.56 or 7.62 out of an upper
story window overlooking an open and notorious den of prolific fuckery?

Insert sinister "Uncle Arthur"/"Hooded Claw" laughter and fiendish hand rubbing here--->

9/16/2015 01:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If it were real, would it make things any worse?

9/16/2015 02:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"This could solve our pension crisis..."
And how!

The side benefit would be laughing hysterically
at the news about the cascade of fatal grabbers, strokes and
grand-mal shit hemorrhages occurring at HQ, city hall and
media outlet newsrooms and editorial suites.

These silly m/fers will REALLY have "easy access" to cry about
when Joe Bungalow and Brad Suburbia start lighting workplaces
and domeciles on fire with "Rent-A-Gats."

>Some poor, very put-upon, 60 hour a week plus a part-time
schlub muttering ghastly shit to himself (cloud of skulls & crossbones swirling
around his head like horse flies) while angrily swiping different cards just to
cover the rental on that flaking, 100mph taped, .32 Short "Owl Head" revolver
because that's the best he can do at this moment in time.<

Poor guy...
Doesn't he know that he's better off just putting the
damned thing in a tube sock and wailin' the
ever-lovin' shit out of the object of his ire with it?

What's the price?
A sock with blood, skin, hair and teeth stuck to it
with a shitty but busted to smithereens,
16 ounce-ish revolver in it?

Ol' fella on the business end will DEFINITELY say that
getting shot with it would probably hurt a lot less than
getting his scalp massaged with it.

Just playin' it for laughs...

9/16/2015 02:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Columbo said...

Hmmmmm.... real gun experts. 9mm revolvers? Sorry I don't think Beretta makes one of those.

And another thing, they should also have rent-a-signs and T-shirts for the blacklivesmatter protests so they can save on expenses later.

9/16/2015 03:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

9mm revolver? Not a very common item. For those of you that say no, it doesn't exist, look up moon clips. That's the same way a 45 Automatic Colt pistol Cartridge fits in a 45 ACP revolver.

9/16/2015 04:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

director Arvind Reynolds; any relation to Mel or the Daley clan?

9/16/2015 05:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does it take "Link" cards too? Can't leave out those who refuse to work.

9/16/2015 05:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

CPD should sponsor these. Imagine knowing the name and address of the person that had the murder weapon, and that it was in his possession during the time period. You might be able to raise the abysmal homicide clearance rate above 30%.

9/16/2015 06:21:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Looking forward to reading this headline in Pravda & the Washington Post.
HaHa, thx for the chuckle

9/16/2015 06:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew that there was a reason for the new bar code on the FOID!

9/16/2015 07:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Concealed 9mm revolver" eh?

9/16/2015 08:07:00 AM  
Blogger SpankDaddy said...

Hmmmm. Good idea. What do you say Rahm? It could help with your pension crisis.

9/16/2015 08:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"9mm revolver."

Now there's a rare bird.

Well, picking out and plugging in words from the other media around you never did substitute for practical experience with a subject; but, as you say, it's the Onion.

Anyway, I believe Ruger once produced a DA revolver that chambered 9mmP. The trick was that it used a ring of stiff music wire to engage the extractor grooves in the cases. That's about it. Available from dealers in five-legged horses and such.

"Can I put that in a bag for you, fella?"

"Naw. Gonna use it on the way home."

>Ding! Little bell on door rings as customer exits<

9/16/2015 08:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"...make firepower easily available to residents and tourists alike nearly everywhere within the city limits..."

What's more, the initial $75.00 membership fee will be reduced to $5.00 for residents of "underserved areas."

"This initiative will help to eliminate the 'gun deserts' found in safer, quieter pockets of the city."

9/16/2015 09:04:00 AM  
Blogger S said...

It's about time the city got their cut of this action.

Any Westside cop knows that any shorty can rent a pistola after school, go do their business and bring it back before curfew.

9/16/2015 09:09:00 AM  
Blogger Cuthbert J. Twillie said...

Cool. About time Tiny Dancer wised up and acted quickly to public demands.

There's a definite shortage of Handguns available for suburbanites making a day trip to Chi for a Sox Game or to the Art Institute. And Tourists can always use a nice handgun or two before going shopping in Englewood -- or scooting to the West Side for a dime bag of heroin -- hell, being stoned on dope is almost mandatory before looking at Picasso paintings.

Hopefully they'll put these next to the 'Bike Share' racks for 'One Stop Rentals'.

*** ps: anyone spot the typo (mistake) in the article? :-) ***

9/16/2015 09:45:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a damned shame we need this...but we do. No LEO here, just an angry citizen.

9/16/2015 10:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Onion is leftist toilet paper most of the time, but this one is pretty good

9/16/2015 11:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well.. I tried to rent a gun from Pookie, but he did not take debit cards.. do these guys? what a business model.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the divy bikes of guns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9/16/2015 01:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought once CC passed in Illinois, the crime rates would drop. What happened?

9/16/2015 01:31:00 PM  
Blogger Dv90 said...

Charter arms and Ruger both make fine 9mm revolvers.

9/16/2015 03:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Its funnier with the picture

9/16/2015 04:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"...concealed 9mm revolver..."

Not that these people know about handguns anyway...

Smith & Wesson Model 940

9/16/2015 05:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


In the world of political correctness this bitch would be considered to have problem solving issues when the truth is she should be put in a 300 degree oven herself like she did to this 3 month old puppy.

9/16/2015 05:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is so funny. Not!

signed. citizen

9/16/2015 05:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have trademarked "Dead Box" already.

9/16/2015 06:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"You guys really are amazing. In a funny kinda way.

Rahm Emmanuel

9/16/2015 01:17:00 AM"

And you, Princess Tiny Dancer, are an asshole, who should not be allowed anywhere near a job which includes any kind of responsibility.


9/16/2015 07:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I presume that special weekend rates will be available.

This is Chicago, after all. The City With Big Body Counts.

9/16/2015 08:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Smith & Wesson model 940 is a 9mm revolver. Love The Onion. Probably as accurate a news source as some mainstream papers and a lot more fun to read.

9/16/2015 08:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't forget the airports! The Midway and OHare concessions will be very lucrative. Put them right next to the CTA booth so visitors can ride the Orange and Blue lines with confidence.

9/16/2015 08:42:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Smith and Wesson makes at least two 9mm revolvers. A 4 and a 6 inch barrel.

9/16/2015 08:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now if i could only rent a cop, that would be awesome.... I could drive through red lights without cameras taking pictures, speed limits would no longer pertain to me, and have someone's tires shot out without me being near by... a man can dream....

9/17/2015 12:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nice job of Photoshop on a Divvy Bike stand.

What else can they do?

9/17/2015 12:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was surprised to find a spate of 9mmP revolver models on the web -- suddenly, references ca. 2014 or so.

OK, "Onion" writers are 'way ahead of us.

Ex-S&W, Savage, Stevens, Naval Armory employees will quietly withdraw here, in deference to their demonstrable expertise.

9/17/2015 04:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

BCP want to know --

"What's the price?"

9/16/2015 02:55:00 AM

Thirty, twice!

"A sock with blood, skin, hair and teeth stuck to it
with a shitty but busted to smithereens,
16 ounce-ish revolver in it?"

...and their is your Owl's Head, defending democracy in the fields and on the streets of America today.


Wish I still had mine. You in a dice game, the pearl grips make everyone run and jump out other people's vestibule and save yo' a__. No reason go bleeding all over the hospital just because you shot.

* *

"He heard loud noises, and then experienced pain."

-- today's "journalism," as the blind cave beetles carefully feel their way. All safely behind the paywall, of course.

Descending spiral...

* * *

9/17/2015 05:12:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It requires a credit card, that eliminates 90% of the shitbirds right there.

9/17/2015 05:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys got this all wrong. Quit telling fake stories and tell Dean to get his head outta his ass. Take my picture down too.

9/17/2015 05:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If they partner with Uber, they could even deliver. I'll start working on the smartphone app.

9/17/2015 06:35:00 AM  
Blogger Cuthbert J. Twillie said...

Okaaaay, maybe that *mistake* I mentioned isn't technically a 'mistake'. As a few have correctly pointed out, S&W for one does make a 9mm Wheel Gun. Taurus & Ruger do too.

9/17/2015 09:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This idea is nothing new. It is and has been going on in some neighborhoods for a long time.

You just have to know the right people to get approved.

9/17/2015 11:16:00 PM  

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