Why Does Anyone Live in Florida?

Hurricanes, humidity, no-driving fools, no-driving old folks, alligators, the list goes on and on. Now we have even more reasons to avoid Florida:

• I can't believe it's possible to make money selling animals most people want to kill with a hoe. I wonder if it's time for me to open a business, selling loathsome creatures I want to get rid of.

  GIANT FLORIDA COCKROACHES, $5 each, shipped to your door. No charge for eggs laid in transit. They fly and smack you in the mouth and eyes, they eat your food, they poop in your cabinets, and when they mistake you for food while you're sleeping, they even bite. Order now; at these prices they won't last long.

  FRISKY, BRIGHT-EYED NORWAY RATS, trapped in the cemetery down the street. Do-gooders cleaned up the cemetery, and the rats now have no place to live, so adopt one today and I'll mail it to you in map tube. These rats are very friendly, having lost all fear of man due to advanced rabies.

  ANNOYING CENTRAL AMERICAN MILLIPEDES, two dollars a gallon. They climb up your walls. They climb across the ceiling. They fall in your drink. Walk across your living room at night and listen to them crunch. They secrete hallucinogenic compounds, but I am not sure how many you have to eat to get a decent buzz. I would start with a generous handful and work from there.

And it only gets funnier from there. We wonder if the "whiz-quiz" tests for hallucinogenic millipede extracts? Someone let us know. All of the above posted at HogOnIce.com