The SCC Challenge

From Mope-rah's article:

• "My grandmother is easily confused," her granddaughter, Traci Taylor, said Monday. "She probably didn't know what was going on."

  Taylor is one of her grandmother's caregivers. She said her grandmother has schizophrenia and dementia.

• "There has to be another way to stop her -- use your stick and block the hammer," she said. "Knock it out of her hand. How hard is that?"

We hereby issue the following challenge:

• In a boxing ring we construct two rooms, separated by a single door, secured only by a chain bolt.
• In Room A, we will have a standard 20 ounce framing hammer placed at the point furthest from the door.
• In Room B, we will provide a CPD issued baton, a canister of 10% Oleoresin Capsicum solution (OC spray), a fully functional TASER device in a holster with 2 spare cartridges and a pair of handcuffs.
  

To populate Room A, we will provide a list of 30 CPD cops. These Officers will cover the spectrum of the population - white, black, hispanic, male, female, overweight, thin, gay, straight, body builders, runners, smokers, older and younger. Fifteen of the officers will be retirees at least 70 years of age. Five others will be light duty officers with heart conditions. These officers will play the "offender."

In Room B, the following three individuals will be present and play the "officer":

• Ms. Traci Taylor - concerned granddaughter and "expert" on police tactics
• Mope-rah - alleged journalist and anti-police race baiter
• Dawn Turnip Tripe - alleged journalist and all around ignoramus

In an order to be determined by "Rock, Paper, Scissors," the "officers" will be allowed their choice of weapon and handcuffs. They will also be allowed to view and chose their opponent from the pool of thirty officers. At the sound of a bell, each "officer" will be required to kick the door open through the chain bolt (a simple task), advance upon the chosen subject, subdue and handcuff the subject using only "verbal judo" and the chosen weapon. Also at the sound of the bell, the "offender" must retreat to the hammer and arm him or herself. The game ends when either the "play officer" successfully subdues the "assailant" or the "assailant" gets in one single whack with the hammer on any part of the "officer's" body.

Admission will be $20. We will guarantee an attendance of at least 5,000 officers and family members who would gladly pay triple that to see anyone of these asshats beaten with a hammer. If we can get Rocky Wirtz to donate the United Center for the event, that's an even $100,000 minimum gate. We will split the money with the three named "officers" and our $25,000 will go to the police charity of our choosing. If any of the three "officers" lose their challenge, the money will go to SCC for disbursement to the police charity of our choosing.

Just to make it interesting, we will include ourselves among the pool of 30 officers. We await their reply.

PS: Our lawyers say we have to provide a disclaimer for injuries suffered at the hands of the "officers" as we are engaging in a sport. We don't think there is much chance of any of these three landing a single blow, but if they agree not to prosecute getting beat with a hammer, we'll encourage the cops not to complain about getting sprayed, hit or TASERed.