Monday, October 26, 2009

Zombie Combat

  • Iowa City police are investigating an early morning assault in which a man accused another of being a zombie, then punched him twice. Police said the assault occurred at 1:17 a.m. Sunday at an Iowa City restaurant south of the University of Iowa campus.

    A man was ordering food when he was approached by another man who called him a zombie, then hit him in the eye. When the victim tried to call police on his cell phone, the man punched him again, breaking his nose.

    The man then ran out a back door.
If we remember our zombie history, punching a zombie in the face is never a good idea and seldom works in terms of defeating the zombie. Preferred methods of defeating a zombie include machetes, halberds, pikes, axes, shotguns, rifles and fire. Remember, doors and windows, even walls are no obstacle to a zombie. One surefire way to eliminate the zombie threat is removal of the head from the body.

We hope this was helpful.

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35 Comments:

Blogger Doink the Clown said...

Isn't J-Fraud's think tank made up of a bunch of zombies? I heard that they pass around an orangutans brain, kept in a glass jar, asking it questions about what can be done to make us more productive and to keep us in line.

In my favorite movie Cobra, Sylvester Stallone works in the zombie squad unit, a team that specializes in catching psychos. This unit was likely a 1980's precursor to MSF and TRU.

10/26/2009 12:28:00 AM  
Blogger Ann T. Hathaway said...

Dear SSC,
Thank God you're ready for this. Always good to have a plan.

Okay if I pass this on to my hometown's police officers? There's a ton of people that seem like they're going through the motions here in D.C. And yeah, they're invading my home . . ..

Sincerely,
Ann T.

10/26/2009 12:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They're dead, they're all messed up.

10/26/2009 12:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wha chew talkin bout, Willis?

10/26/2009 01:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

duely noted.

10/26/2009 01:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hate Nazi Zombies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEQwEmeWnyI

10/26/2009 01:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He may not have been a zombie but he may be brain dead. If an offender is standing in front of you and just punched you maybe you should take some defensive action such as leaving the scene or, god forbid, fighting back. Probably not the best time to whip out the cell phone.

10/26/2009 01:44:00 AM  
Anonymous GO BUCKEYES! said...

Is that Gothard drunk now a reveler for the undefeated Iowa Hawkeyes?

Wait until November 14th when THE Ohio State Buckeyes make all the Hawkeyes into "zombies" at the Horseshoe in Columbus.

10/26/2009 04:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Before anyone asks:

weapon consisting of an ax blade balanced by a pick with an elongated pike head at the end of the staff. It was usually about 1.5 to 1.8 metres (5 to 6 feet) long. The halberd was an important weapon in middle Europe from the 14th through the 16th century. It enabled a foot soldier to contend with an armoured man on horseback; the pike head was used to keep the horseman at a distance, and the ax blade could strike a heavy cleaving blow to finish the opponent.

Encyclopedia Britannica.

10/26/2009 05:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i hope the zombie didn't defend himself. apparently, that's a felony in iowa.

10/26/2009 05:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We'll meet at the Winchester...!!!!

10/26/2009 06:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is also a well know fact that Zombies are very poor at climbing. Roof tops are great places to hold off Zombies and take them out with long range weapons. Also allows for easy rescue and evacuation by helicopters. For more information see THE ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDE by MAX BROOKS.

10/26/2009 06:33:00 AM  
Anonymous DAWN OF THE DEAD said...

George Romero could make a zombie epic in Chicago. He could use the city council along w/the stuttering prick's staff as the dead(beats). Im sure many cops would play the zombie killers on their days off. Remember: HEAD SHOTS!!

10/26/2009 07:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I believe the Patrol Carbine operators/instructors are certified zombie hunters!!!

10/26/2009 08:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Be careful when punching a zombie (or anyone else) in the face while in Iowa. Has everyone forgotten that a subsequent conviction could get you a 5-year prison sentence?

10/26/2009 09:09:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoy the sarcasm, real or unintended, of your two posts today and their obvious connections:
1 - WAR! about fighting the Aldermen and
2 - Zombie Combat about fighting zombies

10/26/2009 10:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'M PISSED!!!

Since the CPD Ranges are closed, I haven't been able to qualify for my Zombie Extinguisher certification card.

Anybody have info where we can go to get certified? County? State?

10/26/2009 10:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are making jokes about this but as someone who lives right by the Iowa border & sees many Iowa drivers, I can assure you there are a lot of zombies in Iowa

10/26/2009 11:52:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is a good field handbook for the situation.


http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Survival-Guide-Complete-Protection/dp/1400049628

Written by Mel Brooks kid. Very funny.

10/26/2009 12:13:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SHOT THEM IN THE HEAD- THEN THEY'LL STAY DEAD.

10/26/2009 12:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rule #1: Cardio

Rule #2: Double-tap

You have got to see Zombieland with Woody Harrelson--it's ROFLMAO funny.

10/26/2009 01:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I see someone else reads fark.com....

10/26/2009 01:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ooooohhhh, lawdy, lawdy...dem zombeez be's from drankin' dat purple drank...mmmm hhmmmm....and dat ain't no hibbity jibbity!!!!! mmmm hhmmmm, doncha know

10/26/2009 04:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just go to 63rd and cottage or 63rd and King on any given day at any given time...it's like a scene out of NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD. They jus' be staggerin' all aroun...mmmm hhmmmm....chock full o' da hibbity jibbity

10/26/2009 04:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Thorazine Shuffle=ZOMBIE said...

Paranoid schizophrenics are invariably medicated with Thorazine. When they walk around doing "the Thorazine shuffle", they appear to be ZOMBIES. Also note the catatonic (lack of) expression on their faces and the "dead" eyes of a Great White shark or Jody Weis.

10/26/2009 05:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guy must have ordered BRAINS...more
BRAINS...

10/26/2009 06:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rule #1: Cardio

Rule #2: Double-tap



Crap, someone beat me to it.

10/26/2009 08:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Our Illustrious Think Tank is bringing in Rob Zombie to be leader of the Z-force.

10/26/2009 08:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zombies= brainless shit suckers that drain the life out of anything they touch. Sounds like Chicago to me...

10/26/2009 09:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zombies= brainless shit suckers that drain the life out of anything they touch. Sounds like Chicago to me...



Yes it does...large zombie populations on the upper floors at 35th and Michigan, City Hall 5th Floor, County Building...Thompson Center (I still call it the State of Illinois building...am I dating myself?)

Don't forget to use your Bat-Anti-Zombie repellant too.

10/27/2009 01:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zombie's? Try parking for a while at 16th and Keeler, or 16th and Trumbull-it's like a scene from "The Serpent and the Rainbow", or "Night of the Living Dead" and would easily debunk any merit to the fuckhead argument to legalize drugs.

10/27/2009 11:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

IOWA=
I-DDIOTS
O-UT
W-ALKING
A-ROUND

10/27/2009 10:53:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hegewish is full of Zombies, just look at people who live there, a bunch of weird-o's...

10/28/2009 02:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Doink the Clown said...
Isn't J-Fraud's think tank made up of a bunch of zombies? I heard that they pass around an orangutans brain, kept in a glass jar, asking it questions about what can be done to make us more productive and to keep us in line.

In my favorite movie Cobra, Sylvester Stallone works in the zombie squad unit, a team that specializes in catching psychos. This unit was likely a 1980's precursor to MSF and TRU.
IF HE SPECIALIZED IN CATCHING PSYCHOS, THEN HOW DID HE MISS YOU, PUD-BOY ????

10/28/2009 02:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The City Council consists of zombies. Lets take them out

11/01/2009 11:04:00 AM  

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