Wednesday, November 30, 2005

The Dumbest Excuses Ever

Instead of defining acronyms, let's hear some war stories. What are some of the dumbest excuses you've ever heard? And just to make it extra humorous, excuses from anyone. PPOs about why they forgot their gun, arrestees about why they ran, domestics about why they domesticated, you get the idea. Try to keep the stories generic - no names, no ethnic slurring, etc. At least make the effort to be civil.


Anonymous its getting worse by the day. said...

1631 yes squad?
burlary in progress on the beat...
Oh sorry squad tvb from cicero/Belmont then getting lunch and then getting gas.....
10-4 ill give job to rapid if I can find one.....

11/30/2005 09:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about the two coppers that got into it in front of J Patrick's on Erie and Noble-- the one where one of them unsnaps....

11/30/2005 09:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was mentioned this a few months back but it bears repeating. They were giving an armed robbery just occurred at 103rd and Western. There were a string of armed robberies on west end of 22.

The car that gets the assignment says, "I was just going to ask you for a lunch in the station." It gest reassigned. Literally, 10 minutes later he comes back on air and says, "change that to a personal, I'll head over there."

11/30/2005 10:09:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11/30/2005 10:19:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Way to keep the Thread under the topic you idiots.

11/30/2005 10:37:00 AM  
Anonymous SIR DONK said...

Dumbest Excuse-

Ummm, I'm from 25....

11/30/2005 11:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Squad, give that a 19P, the offender does not want to be arrested at this time."

11/30/2005 11:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The worse excuse I've ever heard after having to force a 2 year wonder to respond to a csa in progress was that "it's not in are sector". On a better note, I was driving through 016 around 0930 and saw 1613 responding to domestic on addsion with his lights/siren on and his back up arrived very shortly after him. I also heard somebody in 016 chasing a burglary offender. The one thing I did notice was that the officers were seasoned vetearns. I would just like to that those guys for their hard work. Conerning the previous posts about "the dogs" it's all comes down to a lack of supervision.

11/30/2005 11:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry I was in a rush."thanks" and "it" are what I should have typed.

11/30/2005 11:59:00 AM  
Anonymous SIR DONK said...

I'm a filmore ranger.....


11/30/2005 12:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SCC....block 10:19....nothing good to contribute.

11/30/2005 12:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SCC-Sorry to get off thread. Check out the following link:

11/30/2005 12:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about, "I trained in 001 and stayed there."

11/30/2005 12:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11/30/2005 12:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Midnights in the old 006:

From a Sgt. in the 10 Sector at about 04:20 A.M. ( Nicknamed "Mercury" for his swift mental capacity )


Go ahead 610

"Where am I squad?"

11/30/2005 12:40:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You can't arrest me I called the police

11/30/2005 12:43:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Answer to why the man stabbed the friend with the bar-b-que fork:

"He took the last pork chop and it's MY que man"

"and he didn't bring nothing"

11/30/2005 12:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im the real police!!!!!

11/30/2005 12:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

SIR DONK said...

Dumbest Excuse-

Ummm, I'm from 25....

I think we have a winner. If this ain't the truth, i don't know what is.

11/30/2005 12:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1st guy)hey come you dont make traffic stops?
2nd guy)because of the liberals

11/30/2005 12:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to 12:43:01

I think every copper has been given this one during their career.
5 star choice

11/30/2005 12:57:00 PM  
Anonymous retiree concealed carry said...

The city doesn't even attempt to give excuses.

Retirees send in authorization forms to the Retirement Board to qualify for HR218. Weeks later, they send back a reply that you now have to submit a form to 35th St. You do as told. No response.

Why the unexplained DALEY, I mean DELAY?

11/30/2005 01:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"It ain't my (rock,gun,etc.), these be my cousins pants." Heard thousands of times on the south and west side after discovering contraband in a pocket.

11/30/2005 03:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"But I'm the one that called y'all!" or "I want a peace bond on him."

11/30/2005 03:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Those rocks ain't none o' mines!"

11/30/2005 03:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You BOGUS office.

11/30/2005 03:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"You can't write me a ticket office, I dont have a drivers license"

11/30/2005 03:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joe, I swear for god thems aint mines.

11/30/2005 03:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my personal favorite- which I reiterated in open court:
"You must have put that rock on me. I swallowed mine before you pulled me over..."

11/30/2005 03:30:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"That's my gym shoe money, office!"

11/30/2005 03:41:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gun ???

I fount it...
in the alley

11/30/2005 04:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hot car ???

I paid a dope dealer for it...

huh ???

I paid 20 dolla fo da day

11/30/2005 04:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hot car ???

my friend was driving it can't be hot

11/30/2005 04:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

officer:Where is your ID?
slug:"I just came out the house office."
officer:OK but where is your ID
slug:"I was just going to the store."

11/30/2005 04:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why didn't I call the police when the murder was going down ???

It wasn't none of my binness

11/30/2005 04:05:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Burglary ??

no office, I just came in to get warm

11/30/2005 04:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Malcolm X's liitle brother said...

No sir, I am NOT stopping you because you are black.

11/30/2005 04:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Malcolm Y,

I'm not writing this because you come off as a master at race baiting. I'm writing this because you're a masturbater. Go home and study the dictionary you small minded bigot.

11/30/2005 04:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Indaknow said...

That jacket ain't mine.

These pants? I just borrowed them.

11/30/2005 05:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A 18th District officer makes a traffic stop on and older pink caddie for violation of NO TURN sign at North & Wells. Inside the car is a Black guy with some blond trashbag. Officer: May I see your driver's license please? Mope: You just be stopping me cause I be with a White girl. The mope hands over the license to the officer. Officer: That's just not true Mr. Cottle, I'm like you, I don't like Niggers either... Officer hands him back his license. Officer: You turned in violation of the posted sign, please be more careful Mr. Cottle. Have a nice evening.

11/30/2005 06:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Old WWII vet traffic man on Stae street is approached by a limo loaded with Jap businessmen. The stop and roll doe=wn the window. Officer: Crud U tell us where the Japoneeese Counselrate is? Officer: Why are you asking me, you found Pearl Harbor okay...

That cost the officer three days. Today they'd have fired him.

11/30/2005 06:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

P.O.:What's your name?
OFF.:Timothy Jones
P.O.: Spell it for me.
P.O.: So your name is Lenard Jones?
Off.: How you know?

11/30/2005 06:17:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why did you have that gun in your pocket?
"I picked it off the seat and put it in my pocket because if you saw it next to me you would've put in on me anyways." Later on I asked him again and he said same reply but that he figured I wouldn't search him. Maybe he wasn't lying???
Did you steal this guys car keys?
"No, I took the car and the keys was inside."

11/30/2005 06:21:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

726 squad.
726, check out the prostitute at 71 and Winchester please.
squad I'm married.

11/30/2005 06:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was working with a recruit who was no longer on her cycles but hadn't gotten off probation yet. Its 4 hours into the shift, we've coded numerous domestics, had an arrest, and gone on several other jobs being a 10-4 unit on a mostly 99 watch. hoping to stop for some lunch when a call comes out for a missing 14 year old habitual in another sector. Unit assigned hasn't been heard on the radio all day, she says, "Squad, beat 931's got a recruit maybe they can handle it to get some practice." Maybe I can handle you to get some practice!

11/30/2005 06:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

About 11 yrs. ago, while working in 010, a call came out in 011 asking if anyone had a car opening device for a citizen somewhere on Harrison. An 011th dist. car answers up and the zone tells him that a cable guy locked his keys in his van. He tells the dispatcher to tell the guy he'll be there some time between 0800 and 1400. The radio errupted with laughter and kudos to this guy for the rest of the day.

11/30/2005 07:35:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what about those assholes on 1431

11/30/2005 07:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

your crazy everyone knows 14 is where the real cops go, from the po's to the brass

11/30/2005 07:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just remember shit like you comes from assholes.

11/30/2005 08:04:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Its OK, I go home now."

11/30/2005 08:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"i didn't put that old lady in the trunk!"..
check out CBS web, Sgt Rock got recognized by the city council..

Thanks Uncle Dick

11/30/2005 08:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's ok, Ok? I only had two beers, ok? Ees no problem, ok?

Too bad slurred, Mexican accents don't come across in the typed media!

11/30/2005 11:44:00 PM  
Anonymous 29 and a day almost said...

Lt to the prostitute:
Youre under arrest

Prostitute: "C'mon Crowley, I jest took my pants off"

Another one was "I havent even broke luck yet"

I love this job

12/01/2005 12:45:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lenard Jones is the funniest thing Ive seeen in a loong time
good one

12/01/2005 12:48:00 AM  
Anonymous Love my job said...

Once about 30 years ago i was walking on State St during Christmas season

A middle aged woman was about to get on a N/B Bus when the pick pocket detail swarmed in on a young man who had just placed his hand in her purse.

The coppers pulled the offenders hand out of the purse, still clutching the ladie's wallet.
( sort of like Jack Horner pulling out the plum from his Christnmas pie)

The offender's words? " I didn't take that lady purse!"

12/01/2005 01:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"My assists are other peoples 10-1's" - what a traffic tool.

12/01/2005 09:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Yo Yo Yo what's up office? Aw Y'all jest aint right man I's just headin to da crib to kick it with my baby momma. What'd I do wrong?
...You mean other than murder the English Language!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those of you not on the street
the translation is "Hello officer,
I was just heading home with my girlfriend did I do something wrong?

12/01/2005 10:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Respond to a west side domestic. While there I notice shit just oozing from a babies diaper. So I ask babies momma, " why you aint changed them pampers?"
"Why office",comes the reply "the bag
done says capacity, 20 pounds."

12/01/2005 06:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does LEfty count as an excuse for a human being?

12/01/2005 07:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

True Story... New detective at his first death investigation which was a child, occurred at St. Bernard's Hospital

Old Dick:

We need to check the body for any signs of injury.

New Dick:

I can't do that

Old Dick:


New Dick:

Because I have kids at home.

His first and last day in violent crimes.

12/01/2005 09:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I arrested a guy named Phillip Smith. When I inquired as to his surname he said "Smiff'

So I said (being a certified ebonics translator and knowing he meant SMITH) Lets see thats S-M-I...., one F or two??
He replied "no man I said SMIFF!"

Another time at an armed robbery We interviewed a possibl suspect who informed me that his name was Ronald McDonald.

My skillfull interrogation techniques revealed that he was indeed named Ronald McDonald

12/02/2005 03:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I dont Smoke Rocks, I'm an Alcoholic"
Bad Guy "You sposssta Protect and serve.

Officer "Thats right and your about to get served"

12/02/2005 03:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whatido, whatido?

12/02/2005 01:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Took am M/1 to the lie-box. His last name is SHINE. Asked him if he was related to any of the shines on the west side. He said he didn't know any shines on the west side.

12/02/2005 05:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Responded to a call in 005. The caller, F/1, 400lbs, bitchin at me to do my job, cuz her taxes pay my salary. My return to her: My taxes pay your welfare. No CR # ever obtained.

12/02/2005 05:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had a domestic where the 80 yr old momma called on her 60 yr old son who racked up a $500 bill for porn from the cable company. She had the bill and read off all the titles of the movies to me and my partner. He kept saying " you know how it is office, you know how it is" I thought I was going to pee in my pants I was laughing so hard.

12/03/2005 01:02:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


11/30/2005 10:19:53 AM

Yea, then why was the White Hen robbed in the past???

12/03/2005 05:55:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

heres a funny---pos enter D & D upon doing so they hold the door open for a citizen--citizen responds "God be with you officers"--po's in line for coffee and hindu employee is on the phone--with who you ask? 911---instead of telling the officers that the guy that they held the door for just robbed his store at gun point the employee continues to talk to 911 and relay the story--bad guy gets away--true story

12/03/2005 06:59:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Responded to a call of "Assist the citizen". Arrived at the 3rd floor apartment in the area of 57 and Loomis. Politely, what can we do for you? CHANGE THAT LIGHTBULB!

12/03/2005 07:54:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was with my FTO in 007, and to prove to me that they are not really listening to a word you have to say, the FTO spoke Polish and Lithuanian through the whole domestic, I never said a word. He was right, it was a quick 1Frank.

12/03/2005 07:56:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Responded to a domestic at 0230 hours in 010.

"Office, gets him outta here. I's sick and tired a his bullshit cattin' ways"

"Who is he to you?"

"Office, he ain't nothing to me but my babies daddy"

12/03/2005 08:51:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

One night, asswipe sgt. says to me, "hey tired of you coming in here every night with no paper! What do you do all night?!" So I said, "ok boss, i'll bring in some activity." Hit the streets at about 1645 hrs. Come in the station with a TRR at 2345. I tell him, "ok boss, I got you a head and some paper"

12/04/2005 05:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sunday morning, about 0630 hrs, I'm parked reading the Sunday paper and a M/1/20's approaches my car and urgently asks:

Citizen: "Can you assist a citizen?"

PO: What's up?

Citizen: I need a ride home real bad. I'm 5 blocks from the house and my colostomy bag is about to bust.

PO: Then you better start steppin'.

Citizen: What happened to protect and serve?

My window then rolls-up and citizen trots off holding his abdomen.

This happened twice in a span of three weeks with the same individual at the same location. He stays out all Saturday night partying and waits too long to empty his bag. He then expects a ride from the police.

I need a new location to read the paper during the last half hour of my Sunday tour.

12/04/2005 07:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

responded to a call of wires down in 005 dist, citizen complains that her cable tv is out. citizen says to po "what you going to do about my cable wires". po responds "nothing ,you can call the cable company"..citizen asks po " what am i going to do until then" po suggests reading a book . citizen gets cr on po for calling her illiterate.

12/04/2005 11:02:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just took care of tha t warrant yesterday

12/04/2005 11:06:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i ran because you was chasing me office, i didnt know u

12/04/2005 11:09:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we go to domestic, woman beat , we ask ,why do you stay with him if he beats you? victim responds " well,he eats me good"

12/04/2005 11:12:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

true story ,. 005 dist female unit responds to a house fire. po asks supervisor over air , if she can get rd for cdtp by firemen. and if she can arrest them when they are done damaging house on fire.

12/04/2005 11:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


12/05/2005 09:12:00 PM  

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