Friday, March 17, 2006

016 District Adventures

Quick! Bid to the 016th District. Crime! Mayhem! Men throwing their severed body parts at you! Reports from various sources are that last night, an individual (drunk) was involved in some sort of altercation, possibly a domestic, and when responding officers arrived, they found he had mutilated his own body and he threw his severed penis at them. The individual had to be TASERed twice before they could take him to the hospital.

Yes, we just typed the words "severed penis." If we had a sense of shame, we would be ashamed. Since we don't, we're looking to see what this "person of now indeterminate gender" was charged with:
  • battery, aggravated - other blunt object?
  • assault with a dead weapon?
Someone has to have something better than our meager offerings. Where is this case report - 016? Area 5? Scan it and e-mail it. And how do you live down being the officer(s) that some psycho dude threw a penis at?

UPDATE: Here is the Sun Times Story. They say "severed organ" and "penis" a number of times, so we must be like real journalists since we know the lingo.

75 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm 1st.

3/17/2006 12:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, did anybody get hit with the bloody dick?

I'd have to go IOD for at least a month!

First to post, too!

WOO HOO!!!

3/17/2006 12:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

have captains been made and who are they???

3/17/2006 12:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me re-phrase that...

First to post "WITH SUBSTANCE!"

3/17/2006 12:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You missed the point, it wasn't just any old dick that the psycho threw at the coppers--IT WAS HIS OWN DICK!!!!! How do you live down the fact that a psycho throws his own dick at you?

3/17/2006 12:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"THEY'VE COME FOR THE PROPHET!"

3/17/2006 12:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The "Scars, Marks, Tattoos" box on his arrest report must've been interesting to read.

3/17/2006 12:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"eat dick!"

3/17/2006 12:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

The "Scars, Marks, Tattoos" box on his arrest report must've been interesting to read.

3/17/2006 12:39:53 AM

Do you say "penisless, or dickless" when filling out that portion?

3/17/2006 12:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Baliff, wack his pee-pee"

3/17/2006 12:42:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good to know you can still find authentic Polish sausage in Chicago these days. After Kalinowski Deli closed it's doors in Gladstone Park I've been forced to travel out to Mt. Prospect to buy the real thing!

I thought this might be the start of a trend until I thought of the aptly named "silence of the bosses" and the Fred Hampton Memorial Street sign. On second thought I'll bet Stanley on Berneice still has more dick than half of the exempt. And I understand this type of activity is considered sport in 023 (I don't mean the copper's you guys)!

3/17/2006 01:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DUDE WAS CHARGED WITH "ASSAULT WITH A FRIENDLY WEAPON"

3/17/2006 01:33:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was there-This is what happened: Mayor Daley's nephew Eugene was drinking at the house, broke into the mayor's trophy cabinet, which just so happened to contain Uncle Phil's penis which had been removed when he was appointed Supt. When officers in 016 tried to arrest him they thought he said he was immune from arrest because he was a member of the superintendent's staff, but he actually said he was immune from arrest because he HAD the superintendents staff. A found property report was promptly ordered by several newly promoted meritorious sgts on their way home from a LAPA meeting who were eager to give their first order.

3/17/2006 02:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a good thing the Area 2 Gun faries were not there! They'd have charged the dick tosser with failure to register to pump up their numbers.

3/17/2006 02:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

l-aw officer
a-ggravated
p-enis
a-ssault

3/17/2006 03:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The TRR must be an interesting read. I would imagine the IOD report for exposure is a keeper; the coppers will never live this down.

3/17/2006 03:14:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was on days. Case report and details to follow.

3/17/2006 05:22:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The real problem with this case is determining whether to charge him. Was it soft or hard? If it was soft, then could it cause serious bodily injury? If it was hard, could it have been a merely an active solicitation for a relationship?

3/17/2006 06:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A naked, bloody, penis-less man throwing knives and his own shwanz at you! I dare you to tell me that this job is not the best!!!!!!

3/17/2006 06:49:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Scan and email an official police report to everyone? SCC you are a fucking idiot!!! You are going get some poor schmuck brought up on charges of official misconduct for the unlawful dissemination of a police report just to serve your own selfish needs.

Don’t worry about what happened in 016. Take care of your own fucking business at home would be my advice. (You know what I mean).

3/17/2006 06:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

DAMN RICKY, HE REALLY FLIPPED

3/17/2006 07:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Put the dick down sir! Put it down now!

Drop the dick m@#$%^fu^&*r!!!

Are the coppers gonna be promoted to..well you know...dicks?

Did the ET's trace an outline of the penis on the ground?

I heard there is going to be a prayer service and anti-violence march led by Fr. Pflager and Alderman Tunney.

TRU will be out saturating the area arresting anyone holding a "weapon of ass destruction."

3/17/2006 08:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why do you say SCC is an idiot? You don't think this case report has been photocopied about a thousand times already and faxed everywhere? You want to know how many copies of various humorous case reports I've seen making the rounds of roll calls, posted on bulletin boards and found at the district desks?

And everyone knows NOTHING will happen to you as the Department (and everyone else) had PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of a certain Sergeant mugging for a camera at a certain plane crash and THOSE PHOTOS made it to the Superintendents desk. Nothing was done to her and she even got her first choice for assignment.

Go back to the Academy you three year wonder asshat and learn how the Department REALLY works.

3/17/2006 08:17:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HIS LAST NAME IS "FIK" AND HE WAS ARRESTED WED NIGHT 15MAR, YOU CAN FIND IT IN THE DATA WAREHOUSE

3/17/2006 08:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i was just wondering exactly who recovered the "weapon", and how did they pick it up? and then who drove with it to the hospital to reassemble the member to the offender? did one the coppers from 016 have to ride in the ambulance with it to make sure it didnt escape? and did they inventory it before it went to the hospital to make sure not to break the chain of evidence?

c'mon dont tell me that all of you didnt think about this before.

;-)

...and was it circumcised....

ROFLMAO

when is the court day for this "dickhead" OH I MEANT "dickless" wonder, because i'd love to be in the peanut gallery when the officer takes the stand at the prelim....

3/17/2006 08:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh Boy If a copy of that do-it-yourself sex change report came my way I'd post it for the world to see... crimefile@comcast.net

Ooohh Pleeease send it.

Snail Mail PO Box 9136 Marina Del Rey, CA 90295

3/17/2006 09:05:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy paddy's day everyone. To all the proud battling protesters on Sunday be safe and wise.

3/17/2006 09:07:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The family's attorney, Blake Horwitz, said the family is seeking damages for the thousands of dollars stolen and the broken doors, as well as for its pain and suffering

Thousands of dollars from welfare???

3/17/2006 09:09:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that corey flagg shit is a never ending cluster fuck and sad to say is going to take down some more coppers before its over... but you know what i always say "FUCK EM!"

the city is going get themselves out of the lawsuit by saying that FLAGG and his rogue ass buddies were operating outside the color of the law and therefore we are not responsible for the liabilty of these goofs, if these families want any money back they better start seizing all the property the own, the dope delaing car wash in 003 is still going 24/7 why not start there...

3/17/2006 09:15:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder if they had to inventory the penis before allowing it to be reattached.

3/17/2006 09:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And everyone knows NOTHING will happen to you as the Department (and everyone else) had PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of a certain Sergeant mugging for a camera at a certain plane crash and THOSE PHOTOS made it to the Superintendents desk. Nothing was done to her and she even got her first choice for assignment.
______

WRONG! IAD is doing a CR on that very incident. Anyone who has ever had a CR knows the final outcome can sometimes take over a year!

3/17/2006 10:09:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The crazy fuck was throwing knives at the officers?? What didn't one of you fools SHOOT him??

3/17/2006 10:38:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The crazy fuck was throwing knives at the officers?? What didn't one of you fools SHOOT him??

3/17/2006 10:38:02 AM

I understand your point, but c'mon...the guy lost his dick for God's sake! Now you want to shoot him too? You'd probably force feed a diabetic a candy cane!

3/17/2006 10:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you mean to say you had a dick at the scene immediately and didn't have to call the Area?

3/17/2006 11:04:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This from the major incident notification....enjoy!

After a verbal altercation with his girlfriend over the size of his penis, the offender ran down the street breaking vehicle windows with a shovel. Offender then ran into a neighbor's house, disrobed, then used a steak knife to sever his penis. While naked and holding his now severed penis, the offender then stood on the front porch throwing knives at responding officers. The offender was subsequently tazed and taken into custody. An extensive search recovered his penis and he is now at NorthWestern Hospital undergoing penile re-attachment. Detectives MCDONALD and WRONKOWSKI assigned.

3/17/2006 11:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"After a verbal altercation with his girlfriend over the size of his penis..."


That's harsh! The only one that my 5 inches of manmeat has to please is ME!

Then again, I'm Irish. At 5 inches, I'm pratically John Holmes!

3/17/2006 11:27:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My wife is an er nurse who had a guy cut his own penis off and then eat it. She comes home with severed penis story about 1-2 times a year.

3/17/2006 11:29:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So coppers in 016 actually have SOME balls now huh?????

3/17/2006 12:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give that penis to Commander of 016 he looks like he needs it after being there on New Years Eve!!!!!

3/17/2006 12:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

no

3/17/2006 12:14:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give that penis to Commander of 016 he looks like he needs it after being there on New Years Eve!!!!!

Actually they had a penis for a little bit and then they had to give it back.

3/17/2006 12:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn it... this is how it should go.

"So coppers in 016 actually have SOME balls now huh????? "

Actually they had a penis for a little bit and then they had to give it back.

3/17/2006 12:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If the guy was Irish did he have to go into micro surgery?
Happy effin potato day you buch of effin Micks

3/17/2006 12:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Put on your Orange today!

3/17/2006 01:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

what happened at Belmont and Harlem New Year's Eve?

3/17/2006 01:16:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What type of asshole shoots a naked crazy guy who cuts off his own dick?
Throwing knives? Obviously the officers did not feel that threatened. Even though you may be legally justified in the use of deadly force, does that mean that you are required to use it?
As for you 016th district bashers, go chase another rock in the ghetto! REAL POLICE MY ASS!
Consider 016 Dept of Homeland security for those of us who live here!

3/17/2006 01:39:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the time this penis thing goes to court, it will be the coopres who cut it off and the city will pay out big to stumpy and family...

3/17/2006 01:46:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

New Years Eve is when we lost an outpost at Belmont/Harlem to the animal, the defeat and withdrawl was led by General Price who retreated with his bitch militia of 016 coppers.....Help us 025 coppers!!!!!

3/17/2006 01:47:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

a weapon of ass destruction...........u da best!

allmost pissed myself!

3/17/2006 02:08:00 PM  
Anonymous ex 015 ranger said...

It's not fair to bash all the 016 coppers, there are some good guys like Bone, Walters and a few others that actually are not afraid to get there hands dirty. Now the bosses on teh other hand should be fired for not doing shit about that incident on New Years Eve. I even talked to a copper from 016 who was there and he said and I quote "we couldn't arrest them because they didn't do anything that we saw and there wasn't any gun that was found." My response was that there was shell casings which he agreed with at that point I just shook my head and walked away. All I can say is if you live up here buy yourself another gun cause you may need it unless you are lucky enough to have a few of the good coppers from 016 show up to help.

3/17/2006 04:00:00 PM  
Anonymous ex 015 ranger said...

Oh and one other thing Mr. Mayor and Mr. Cline you made Cronin a commander then a Deputy Chief, why not make Bone an exempt. And no I am not from 016 and never was.

3/17/2006 04:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TO: 3/17/2006 06:55:50 AM

I agree with you. The stupid bitch has nothing better to do but find fault with everyone except herself. Can't you tell by the threads. You think, she would have better things to do than publish a case report.

She should worry about what's going in 8 instead of 16. Don't publish the case report. Didn't you get enough thrills from publishing the Sgt's picture.

3/17/2006 05:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What is funny when these “ghetto” district officers rip on 016 district coppers. Where the fuck do you think they just spent the last 10-15 years? Answer: IN THE GHETTO!!! The only difference between you and them is they got tired of dealing with the beast and had the intelligence to leave. There are many seasoned officers in 016 that spent more time pissing in west side alleys than you have on the job. Shut your cakeholes and bid there sizzle chests.

No, I don’t work in 016 either.

3/17/2006 05:33:00 PM  
Anonymous Westcide Dog said...

Did someone say BONE was on the scene of the erectile mutilation? Now that would be truly funny! I can hear it now...

Someguy threw his bone at BONE!

3/17/2006 05:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, every female in 016 must've been there, it seems to be their favorite pastime....

3/17/2006 06:36:00 PM  
Anonymous Anit-Company said...

I have no problem with cops in 016 that did their time in the ghetto and bid over to take it easy, more power to you. The problem I have is with the guys/gals from 016 that been there the whole time that talk shit and act like they are the real police. I dont care if you 30+ years on if they were in 016 you got one year experience 30+ times over.

3/17/2006 06:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And everyone knows NOTHING will happen to you as the Department (and everyone else) had PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of a certain Sergeant mugging for a camera at a certain plane crash and THOSE PHOTOS made it to the Superintendents desk. Nothing was done to her and she even got her first choice for assignment.
______

WRONG! IAD is doing a CR on that very incident. Anyone who has ever had a CR knows the final outcome can sometimes take over a year!

3/17/2006 10:09:00 AM

MAYBE...but she still got her first choice, even though the commander didn't want her, and she bumped someone else...so........Welcome back to 009...

3/17/2006 07:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Saw her after she learned she got her first choice (for now). I was about to offer her some tissue because her face looked like a glazed donut.

3/17/2006 08:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Uh, that's just wrong......rotflmao

3/17/2006 09:41:00 PM  
Anonymous jay leno said...

Joke on the Tonight Show about the guy that severed his own penis.

"According to Chicago Police, the guy was just nuts".

3/17/2006 10:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Joke on Conan O'Brien about it...after the man threw his penis, the Chicago Police put their guns down and said you win.

3/17/2006 11:45:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

TO 08:38:06
After reading the entire bolg on this subject,(was putting me to sleep) you cracked me the fuck up!!!!!!!
That is some outstanding humor office---and I can't wait til she comes to mids with us.

3/18/2006 12:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the guy was a lil cocky!!

3/18/2006 12:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I guess thats an easy way to step on your dick!

3/18/2006 12:54:00 AM  
Anonymous family of joshua woods said...

Why did the policewoman Christine Hitney smile in the picture where our 6-year old son died?

Did Officer Hitney find our son's death amusing?

3/18/2006 01:59:00 AM  
Anonymous alice said...

10:46:58

You Can Go To Hell.

(caught the reference, nice)

3/18/2006 03:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Man, that shit in 016 is dicked up.

3/18/2006 03:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To 6:52:42,at last, someone who finally gets it. You sir are absolutely correct. Theres nothing worse than an Officer that goes to one of these slower districts like 016,017 or anything in A/3, works his entire career there and THINKS that he's the real Police. I'm amazed when I see these young guys riding around up in 016. They look like they are about 20 years old and couldn't possibly have more than a few years on. My God man, transfer out, go to the ghetto and learn how to do Police work. THEN and ONLY then, once you have earned it, come back to the slower Districts and use those skills that you have aquired in the ghetto, to protect your own. Where's your self respect? Do you realize that everybody is laughing at you, that they don't respect you, that they know that your a new guy who is in a good District because of a phone call? Now just in case you think I got a problem with new guys (I don't ), I think the same thing applies to older vets. If you are going to transfer into the above mentioned Districts to take a well deserved break in the action, fine, but don't stop being the PoPo. Take your knowledge and skills that you haved honed over the years and use them to make our areas a little safer.

3/18/2006 07:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

family of joshua woods said...
Why did the policewoman Christine Hitney smile in the picture where our 6-year old son died?

Did Officer Hitney find our son's death amusing?

3/18/2006 01:59:16 AM

FUCK YOU, SMART ASS. YOU HAVE ALOT OF NERVE POSTING A COMMENT USING OUR NAMES

3/18/2006 08:45:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wan't pictures of Sgt Hitney and the penis.

3/18/2006 09:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

To 6:52:42,at last, someone who finally gets it. You sir are absolutely correct. Theres nothing worse than an Officer that goes to one of these slower districts like 001,016,017 or anything in A/3 OR THE LOOP, works his entire career there and THINKS that he's the real Police. I'm amazed when I see these young guys riding around up in 016. They look like they are about 20 years old and couldn't possibly have more than a few years on. My God man, transfer out, go to the ghetto and learn how to do Police work. THEN and ONLY then, once you have earned it, come back to the slower Districts and use those skills that you have aquired in the ghetto, to protect your own. Where's your self respect? Do you realize that everybody is laughing at you, that they don't respect you, that they know that your a new guy who is in a good District because of a phone call? Now just in case you think I got a problem with new guys (I don't ), I think the same thing applies to older vets. If you are going to transfer into the above mentioned Districts to take a well deserved break in the action, fine, but don't stop being the PoPo. Take your knowledge and skills that you haved honed over the years and use them to make our areas a little safer.

3/18/2006 10:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Seiser needs to go to 016th Dist.

3/18/2006 10:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As long as you brought it up, whats the real story about what happened at Harlem & Belmont on New Years Eve? The story I heard from a guy that was there was, yes, there were shots fired from the apt which was evidenced by casings all around on the ground, and yes they did get into the apt. and searched it and the occupants but could not find a gun and yes, one or more of the thugs had a mini cam. So if 016 did get in searched, found no gun, what would you have them do? Are you alleging that other things took place? No, I don't work in 016.

3/20/2006 06:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They stalled because bosses on scene were scared, and NO the apartment wasn't searched.

3/21/2006 12:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Chrissie,
You got a little something something still dripping out the corner of your mouth

3/23/2006 09:45:00 PM  

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