Rules for Police
Shamelessly stolen from The Johnny Law Chronicles. Give him a visit - he's got good stories and an old style policing attitude. This is a takeoff on a number of bureaucratic jokes usually dealing with policy. As usual, the Detective Division gets the last laugh.
Rules of Modern Law Enforcement
Narcotics units
Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
Make every case involve overtime $$$.
Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.
Learn to play golf drunk.
SWAT units
Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
Learn to play golf wearing a gun.
Community Service units
Hate SWAT.
Work to make everybody love you.
Paint your office in pastel colors.
Think Feng Shui.
Subscribe to Psychology Today.
Learn to play miniature golf.
Traffic units
Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
Administrative Units
Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a meeting.
Upgrade department cell phone every month.
Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.
Patrol Units
Has nerves of steel.
In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
Inability to keep mouth shut.
Has defining tastes in alcohol.
Is respected by peers.
Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
Detective Bureau
Solve no crime before it's overtime.
Develop important leads for cases somewhere near home right after lunch.
See how far from city you can actually go to lunch without getting caught.
Learn to play golf while on duty.
Rules of Modern Law Enforcement
Narcotics units
Immediately grow facial hair, tell everybody you were ordered to.
Start watching every episode of Monster Garage.
Buy a biker wallet with a big chain.
Make every case involve overtime $$$.
Buy bunches of boats, RV's, and motorcycles with that overtime.
Learn to play golf drunk.
SWAT units
Wear team T-shirts, Oakley sunglasses and boots everyday.
Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation.
Have a mirror handy to check hair, if you have hair.
Never say hello to anyone who is not an operator, just practice your SWAT head nod.
Subscribe to Soldier of Fortune and Muscle and Fitness.
Learn to play golf wearing a gun.
Community Service units
Hate SWAT.
Work to make everybody love you.
Paint your office in pastel colors.
Think Feng Shui.
Subscribe to Psychology Today.
Learn to play miniature golf.
Traffic units
Write tickets to EVERYBODY.
Spend every weekend cleaning your bike and polishing boots.
Annoy everyone on the radio calling out your stops.
Talk about nothing but how many tickets you wrote in one day.
Ride by a building with big windows to see your reflection.
Golf is lame, motor rodeos are cool.
Administrative Units
Three-hour lunches everyday, tell everybody it's a meeting.
Upgrade department cell phone every month.
Tell everybody you are published in a national law enforcement magazine.
Update your revenge list on a weekly basis.
Golf Rules! Play lots of golf.
Patrol Units
Has nerves of steel.
In a terminal state of nausea from department politics.
Inability to keep mouth shut.
Has defining tastes in alcohol.
Is respected by peers.
Beats the crap out of his caddy on any bogeyed shot.
Detective Bureau
Solve no crime before it's overtime.
Develop important leads for cases somewhere near home right after lunch.
See how far from city you can actually go to lunch without getting caught.
Learn to play golf while on duty.
posted by SCC at 12:05 PM
58 Comments:
Good laugh!
Don't forget today Dec. 1st (Fri), is the last day for you to sign up for the free Credit Report Monitoring through Nationwide. You remember 18 mths of Deferred Comp not telling you that your personal data took a walk!
# 800-638-1485
hey, mary mitchell wants to ban the "n" word, put that up! Also, a nice voter's guide to chicago politics by dick simpson at
http://www.suntimes.com/news/simpson/156050,CST-EDT-SIMP01.article
Now these would be good topics of discussion.
BRILLIANT! Consider making a few modifications specific to the CPD and make it a permanent addition to the site.
asshole, don't out people!
The one item forgotten on the dick's list...
dont wash out the red sauce on your tie, it is a badge of honor
SWAT, IS A WAY OF LIFE. IF YOU MESS WITH THE BEST YOU WILL DIE LIKE THE REST.
AS A MEMBER OUR SWAT TEAM, I AM ALL FOR GOING TO IRAQ SO WE CAN GET SOME REAL LIFE FIGHTING TIME. I AM NOT AFRAID.
For SWAT(SOS), add establish Swiss bank accts.....
A little late for a few guys though!!!
Pay no attention to "THE MAN" behind the curtain.
For Narcotics - OCD, don't forget to.....
Beg your Supervisor - Sgt. and Lt.
for a meritorious promotion and beg to come back as a Sgt. in OCD. Then tell everyone that you tried to turn it down but the "Higher-Ups" wouldn't let you say "NO". Tell everyone you wanted to work Midnights in the district and just be left alone to do old time street work, but OCD needed your unbelievable expertise.
Then talk to other Merit Sgt's. and agree on how you actually derserved the Merit promotion, and should be the Sgt. in OCD.
Let this site be the "OUT OF THE CLOSET" for the merit.
Try to fit the word breach in to every conversation....
Too funny.
Thanks TRU> For Being In My District. I've Never Seen So Many Police Patroling The Area I Live In. Thanks To The E.T. That Showed Up At My House In Under 1/2 Hour The Other Night. I Know The Police Don't Hear Those Words As Often As They Should. Again THANK YOU @
Mary Mitchell wants to be the "n" word? Blacks use the "n" word more than white folk. She's a racist when it comes down to it. Her comments and articles are filled with so much b.s.
To 10:07 SWAT GUY: Lighten up Francis!
to 10:07:30 "I AM NOT AFRAID". No, huh? Then why are you afraid to post your NAME?!
Too funny!!!
You're either SWAT or you're not.
Remember this!
Link on to this for good laughs! Sgt. Dana V. Starks testifying about how unfair the Lt.'s test is.
www.cfiweb.com/policeLT.htm
Sorry, Here is the correct Dana link. Please erase that last one.
www.kenlaw.com/documents/police/lt_injunction2.html
SEISER RUNS IT. UNTILL THERE IS JUSTICE WE WILL NEVER ALLOW PEACE.
Off Topic:
Here is What the communities we serve think of Us.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=0YWgVGdYU_M
Now go out and work hard
forgot about TACTICAL UNITS....
Actually, SCC, SWAT has plenty of "modern" rifles. Bushmaster M4's with aimpoint scopes and Benelli semi-auto shotguns are pretty MODERN in my book! I believe most of the guys carry state of the arm Sigarms, certainly not cheap handguns. What they have is much more modern than what I see in the radio room (and in the shotgun racks) of the Districts.
-----------------------------------
And we can't even get PDT's that work, godforbid new ones with intranet access. No radios that hold a charge for more than 4 hours. No shotguns, no files, no tasers.
Thank god SWAT is cooler than the rest of us!
Anonymous said...
to 10:07:30 "I AM NOT AFRAID". No, huh? Then why are you afraid to post your NAME?!
Too funny!!!
12/01/2006 03:04:35 PM
Um...yeah...me thinks you've been trolled in a bad way! Doh!!!!!
Where is the CS benefit?
how about some roll call training. we can start at the top, lets call it(How not to use this job to build your self esteem) I came on this job to be a bag man, that would be the first step, yes, yes, then a gold star, 17th dist Commander
SWAT.....ryhmes with TWAT...just like the dickhead who said he is not afraid to go over to Iraq.
If that is the case tuff guy - what don't you go ? The CPD will let you take a leave and you can join up and fight the good fight.
My guess, you will not. You will sit behind your desk, in front of your computer, and leave posts on all sorts of Blogs....telling us your tales of how you earned your way to SWAT, then you'll go out at night in your Levi's and your frickin Magnum Boots. Pathetic!
SWAT - We talk the talk - we don't walk the walk.
Breach this!!!
WHO POSTED THIS SWAT, IS A WAY OF LIFE. IF YOU MESS WITH THE BEST YOU WILL DIE LIKE THE REST.
AS A MEMBER OUR SWAT TEAM, I AM ALL FOR GOING TO IRAQ SO WE CAN GET SOME REAL LIFE FIGHTING TIME. I AM NOT AFRAID.
12/01/2006 10:07:30 AM
U should be all for going to see a shrink....dork
To 10:07 SWAT GUY: Lighten up Francis!
x2
How was the benefit for C.S. tonight?
I hope not a nickel was raised.
Now that Cronin is gone, who will take his place. He really messed up Narcotics. I wonder if downtown knows how bad Narcotics is, or are they turning a deaf ear cause its Cronin. Hopefully someone with narc experience will get it> Roti?????
In response to the incident with the hostage, no matter what Starks does, he is criticized. Cline only uses him when the shit hits the fan and he does not want his face associated with an incident and he does not want his little princess "I don't know anything about being the police, the law, the people" Monique Bond's pretty face on the scene. I know that the bosses are pissed and dog Starks because he was the only african-american boss that actually did stuff for african-american people, not to say that he does not help other races. I am not african-american (I think that is politically correct) but I do know that he helped my partner and his wife when noone else would. Talk about recognizing good police with no clout. Thanks again Starks.
I just have one question, why isn't anyone talking about the fuck up with the Deputy Chief Patrol Charles Williams? He screwed up housing, and to get the officers back for grieving his thoughtless actions, did everything in his power to disband the unit, but the districts still have units assigned there, how stupid. Did you know that he got mad at how much 1 officer he hated made in overtime in that CHA Initiative, and stopped one aspect of CHA from making that overtime, then he opened it up citywide when the grant clearly said it would be CHA officers who were familiar and specialized in incidents and issues of CHA residents. Now this is the big one, did you know his ego and decision cost the city over 3 million dollars? YES The officers got checks some as high as $27,000.00 after taxes for his actions this past June. The Sergeants just got paid, as much as $30,000.00 for the same thing this November 2006, and their is even a law suit for the few that did not get paid. The officers and supervisors grieved and got paid by that idiot's ego. My wife got a new mercedes, well almost new out of the deal.
Now why do you think they have kept that hush hush. He thought he was being groomed to be the next Superintendent since his real name is puppet and they like that. He does nothing for anyone, no matter what race, if it does not benefit him. It is all politics for this one, not even money, politics and ego. He came from IAD so you know his mentality. He sold out his ex-partner Starks. I heard from an alderman that they told the Mayor they would be up in arms if he was promoted to Superintendent. I bet the Aldermen don't know about this, but we can't get a decent raise and have to pay $40.00 + for prescriptions now. Deputy Williams, please mess up like that in my unit so I can get paid! Please I can use another $30,000 or even $20,000 which was one of the least amount of the city issued idiot ego checks.
Everbody, read 5:05 45 in the HBT incident section of our blog, I think it was from 29 Nov. He has a good point, but I bet it was a she to actually use their brains and let us know that worldwide people are reading this and looking at CPD which has one of the best reputations, fight amongst each other. Lets all agree that every job has issues, we do have problems with race as it relates to police and citizens, some of us are just afraid of black people, all jobs compliment workers in some way based on who they know, and some jobs just have plain old incompetent people running departments and working in departments. The terrorits are kicking our fellow Americans and some CPD troopers ass everyday. My brother is one of them. We have bigger fish to fry than worrying about who got to what unit, who is a dog ass, who got promoted meritoriusly, who kissed who's ass, I could go on. I still say study and make it on your own, nobody owes you anything because of what your daddy did, and stop hating on those who do make it. This job tests for each rank up to Lt., so study! We all take the same test and no one person has the answers. Lets use this blog to pass on good information regarding the contract, what is going on in city hall, why we don;t have a "me too" clause but the Fire Dept. does so they get all of our benefits automatically but we do not get theirs, new available trainings, changes in the laws that impact us, identifying politicians that do not support us, new ways criminals are getting away with crimes, how to protect oursevles, and the most important for me, WHO IS SINGLE. I need two more good men.
you know what? to all you haters of TRU. Maybe if you had some clout you could come to our unit to and work 6 hour days with 2 hour lunches. and if I want to spend Christmas at home for dinner i will....on the clock!
We can use the manpower in 006 without a doubt. On 3rd watch we have over 20 PPO's and R's working on any given day! Every P.O. is split up from their partner and switched around from their usual car. Not a safe envirnment at all. Since when did 006 become the training district for the south side? I know the kids gotta learn but c'mon.
OH I SEE WE HAVE SOME HATERS OF SWAT... DONT WHAT YOU WILL NEVER BECOME, A HIGHLY TRAINED SWAT OFFICER. YOU SAY WE ARE DORKS AND IN NEED OF MENTAL HELP. WELL YOU ARE ALL WRONG. SWAT IS A WAY OF LIFE. WE TRAIN HARD TO BE THE BEST. AND WE NOT TAKE SECOND BEST. SO GO BACK TO YOUR BEAT CAR AND SHUT IT. UNLESS YOU HAVE THE BALLS TO BE SWAT I DONT WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD.
Off topic: I hear more SOS officers may be feeling the heat. It was said that an Officer who was in SOS and now on the Marine Unit was down at 26 and Cal talking his ass off in front of the Grand Jury. We did not gat a name other than he is currently on the Boats.
Watch your backs on this one.
Now that Cronin is gone, who will take his place. He really messed up Narcotics. I wonder if downtown knows how bad Narcotics is, or are they turning a deaf ear cause its Cronin. Hopefully someone with narc experience will get it> Roti?????
12/01/2006 09:55:14 PM
I heard that about Cronin too. Rumor has it he made you guys work an 8 hour tour for in-service training the day before Thanksgiving. What a way too fuck up a unit. The poor A-net teams had to work twice as long as usual. In the three years since the mandatory requesting of buy busts and the typing of ridiculous sups documenting Narcotics lack of effort, you have located a grand total of zero homicide witnesses. That's zero as in bingo, nada, donut hole. There are beat guys in 011 who regularly find witnesses for me, but zero from Narcotics. Maybe the beard throws off your interviewing skills. Maybe it's hard to find witnesses on weekdays at noon when the murder happened Saturday at Midnight. Or maybe it's the turn and burn, I'm in and out in five hours mentality. Either way I wish you'd go back to doing what you weren't doing before, so I don't have to write reports about what you didn't do. Sorry that a worker fucked up your little thing. Quit your whining and enjoy your spot.
I work in narcotics I wish all that was true.... No overtime, grow a beard for nothing that place sucks... the only good thing sat/sun or sun/mon D.O.G. thats it
id be happy with the lockups being open again . waiting up to 3hrs for a transport is getting ridiculous,
you know what? to all you haters of TRU. Maybe if you had some clout you could come to our unit to and work 6 hour days with 2 hour lunches. and if I want to spend Christmas at home for dinner i will....on the clock!
Shut up dickhead you aren't from TRU it's very easy to see.....
I actually read through that lawsuit. I know what avenue I'm going to take when I catch time for not doing something by the orders,... "But, I work in a busy district so we follow different rules than the rest of the Department. All of our written orders are for everyone, but we don't follow them because I work in a busy district." It worked for them.....
16 years and this job is a joke! Beat a confession out of a mother fucker get put inside and made a C.O.
Do police work speak your mind and get passed over.
On a lighter note, this movie looks like it might be good for a few laughs:
HOT FUZZ
Anonymous said...
you know what? to all you haters of TRU. Maybe if you had some clout you could come to our unit to and work 6 hour days with 2 hour lunches. and if I want to spend Christmas at home for dinner i will....on the clock!
Shut up dickhead you aren't from TRU it's very easy to see.....
12/02/2006 02:44:07 AM
Yes I am tough guy, A company here! Why shouldnt I brag about all the perks we get here??? I mean we are the elite unit of CPD and should be taken care of. X-mas and X-mas eve will once again be spent dropping my partner off at his house than Im parking the car at Pittsburgh/Balmoral for the entire tour until I have to go to check off. Dont be mad cause you got turned down to work here, we only take the BEST!
Downtown might not know, but Risley knows what Cronin did to Narcotics. No more long term investigations. Cronin was not interested in big dope. Also, No more Narcotic Canines assigned. They have been place “Where Canine’s belong” in the Canine Unit. BUT, that’s not what the Canine Unit Thinks! On Thanksgiving Day we all know about the HBT tragedy. The ONLY two canines working Citywide Thanksgiving Day were the two guys dumped from Cronin’s Narcotic Unit and they are NARCOTIC CANINES. These guys were of no use at this HBT. I keep telling myself it will get better. If it wasn’t for the Fri/Sat or Sun/Mon D.O.G., I would have left a long time ago.
12/02/2006 04:19:54 PM
I dont care where you work. shut yor mouth meathead or (A)sshead for A company
Yes I remeber a girl that did just as good in the running lifting jumping...etc as the guys when you had some opening in swat. How weird she never made it. Yes you are the best.....DORK
My wife got a new mercedes, well almost new out of the deal.
that was a good financial decision!
I keep telling myself it will get better. If it wasn’t for the Fri/Sat or Sun/Mon D.O.G., I would have left a long time ago.
Jeeez, TRU sucks, SOS sucks, ANET susck, Narcos sucks, what DOESN'T suck now a days????
Oh yeah! That swat team did a great job in the 3rd district HBT incident. Thank god you guys have all that training. Wait! All the HBT cars do is come take a picture of my uuw arrest so i can post it in the hallway. $0$= "Steel off Someone"
Don't forget you have to spend half your salary to buy a ranch on the NW side now.
Anonymous said...
The one item forgotten on the dick's list...
dont wash out the red sauce on your tie, it is a badge of honor
12/01/2006 09:26:10 AM
Finally! I get an answer to the test, too little too late.
Yes I am tough guy, A company here! Why shouldnt I brag about all the perks we get here??? I mean we are the elite unit of CPD and should be taken care of. X-mas and X-mas eve will once again be spent dropping my partner off at his house than Im parking the car at Pittsburgh/Balmoral for the entire tour until I have to go to check off. Dont be mad cause you got turned down to work here, we only take the BEST!
More than likely someone launched out trying to start shit, nobody is buying it. If you are in A, when your Lt. hears of this your little perk for the people in A will be gone. Real smart dickhead. Coppers are their own worst enemy....
Downtown might not know, but Risley knows what Cronin did to Narcotics. No more long term investigations. Cronin was not interested in big dope. Also, No more Narcotic Canines assigned. They have been place “Where Canine’s belong” in the Canine Unit. BUT, that’s not what the Canine Unit Thinks! On Thanksgiving Day we all know about the HBT tragedy. The ONLY two canines working Citywide Thanksgiving Day were the two guys dumped from Cronin’s Narcotic Unit and they are NARCOTIC CANINES. These guys were of no use at this HBT. I keep telling myself it will get better. If it wasn’t for the Fri/Sat or Sun/Mon D.O.G., I would have left a long time ago.
The plainclothes, early days and take-home cars probably helps keep you around too....
To the TRU DORK, Who the fuck wants to work TRU? I've been asked twice and laughed my ass off. Don't want SOS or NARC, also been asked! Screw Tac and Gangs been there done that. Thanksgiving I was at home, dropped a slip! X-mas I will also be at home RDO. If I want the day off I get the day off. When you end up in federal court for (DOING YOUR JOB), then maybe you will understand. Until then SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Agreed the kid from TRU is a dork who needs to keep his yapper shut(he probably got launched and is stirring it up ) but telling people they are stupid for wanting to work there or the other units or tac is no beter. You can get sued just answering a call or being on the scene of a job, it's happened to me, so if you are afraid to do your job for fear of lawsuits it's time for a career change.
It's sad, more guys are afraid of getting sued on this job than they are getting physically hurt or killed......
Hey A company guy im in B company, ill see you at home for xmas eve and day on the clock! I love it but again thats what we get, including many medals, for working our asses off while beat DOGS stay down on jobs. Put your app in you wannabees maybe you cn come join us. NOT! Hey a company guy you and your partner still get to leave 4 hrs early if you have court next day? Beat work is for losers and we are so heavy inspectors cant touch us or our cuts hahahahha
I worked in TRU for about a year ...there are a great group of guys and gals (one or two hotties)that work there . However, there are many MANY MANY goof balls like the idiots writing that crap. They really gave TRU a bad name. The one's with the hardcore wannabe...."we get this, we get that" story telling a##es would probably sh%t their pants if some real shit kicked off. TO THE 2 YEAR WONDERS GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Boys and girls....
If you are wondering who will take Cronin's spot...I'll tell you...
Cronin! He's coming back after the New Year and he'll be ANOTHER civilian gold star running the same department as before.
to 11:26...at least he didn't go to the boats like a few probably did...lol
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