Haiku Case Reporting
We were forwarded a letter recently. Evidently, a district has been having some sort of contest where the officers attempt to write an entire case report in the traditional 5-7-5 syllable poem known as Haiku. No word on what the winner gets, but there are some amusing coppers out there. A few of the better ones:
- Classification Lesson
Three shots to the head.
No witnesses found yet. Death
investigation. - Quiet
Listen! Hear it now?
Silence. Golden. Unnatural
The Bulls must be on. - Curfew Lament
Curfews, where are you?
Yuppies don't have kids, you fool!
Telephone book time. - Domestic #2
There's no sign of theft
Told him not to eat my food
Stab! Stab! I warned him.
It's not as easy as it looks. Try wrapping up a homicide investigation this way. You'll be at it for days.
Labels: we got nothing
posted by SCC at 12:01 AM
73 Comments:
Um, QUIET, the second line has 8 syllables, not 7... nice try....
POD
The POD people called
about some bullshit drinkers
screw that nineteen paul
FOOT
J-Fed wants us all
to be on foot! no way sir
I'm fat and lazy!
Sexual assault?
Keep your drunk ass in the burbs.
Woke up with pants off.
One time I heard of a distirct having a contest. The object was to try and return to service using only 19-P
I guess the thing lasted like 2 months until someone tried to 19-P a homicide
You guys are hysterical
Madison, Lavergne
Walking up and down the street
You, sir, are a hype
Police shoot bad guy
Show graduation photo
Future brain surgeon
Here it goes...
Westside Beatdown
Fool ate the last rib!
That was my lunch tomorrow
Crowbar sure worked good!
Vehicle Theft
Parked my new Audi here
Now it's gone. No insurance
Damn, here's your report
Curfew Haiku
Thank You
Old Retired Youth Officer.......
weaving, no headlights
walk and turn and one leg stand
down paper all night
kitty popped johnny
intimate relationship
bracelets and a ride
press hard five copies
forty-three in a school zone
promise to appear
he said he knows my chief
best drinking golfing buddy
guess what? so do I.
Reverends to the Rescue:
Rocks big and small to sell.
Handcuffs tight. My civil rights?
Flaming hots. Grape drinks.
The Keesing Bandit says---
I don't understand all this Japanese Haiku stuff.
The only Japanese I want to see is my sushi chef and Fukodome at Wrigley Field.
Especially Fukodome.
Now, kees me you fool!!!
Sexual assault?
Keep your drunk ass in the burbs.
Woke up with pants off.
4/05/2008 11:28:00 PM
As the Black SUV W/tints& Michigan Plates pulled away from the curb...
Now this is what this freaking blog is for... hilarious bullshit. I love it!! You have restored my faith in a copper's sense of humor.
Jody how are you
why are homicides rising
what would Jody do
Da Boy be dead
He werent no gangbanger.
We didn't see nothin
We be mournin fo Day Day. . . .
Da Police don't do nuthin.
Gimmie my Old English.
alka-seltzer and gatorade
i got drunk again
can i get two on the end
thanks sarge good nite squad
fasten your seatbelts
units in seven
units on the citywide
person shot dice game
smoke and mirrors
it is burglary!
it is criminal trespass!
why you book cooker!
I never understood what the BFD about haikus is. Can one of our learned explain?
Fuck this stupid job!
God bless all of you out there!
Dont do a dam thing!
My favorite contest was when the D/C was messing with us some years ago. We decided to each take a couple of screws out of things in the station, IE Bathroom stalls, doors, windows, etc. This included things in his office.
don't know haiku but I know Ghet-tu
prostitution
whutchoo laughin at
ain't a damn thing funny
bitch betta have my money
and they say police are uneducated and not creative enough to make it in the private sector...
I see a lot of talent here!
walked into roll call
most of us are 99
welcome to midnights
baby daddy gone
he hit me upside the head
but damn i love him!
Sitting next to me
The biggest dog on the watch
I am a PPO
Why should I come in
To your house full of roaches
For a bullshit theft
Child asleep on floor
The mama out smoking crack
Who'll take care of me?
Where's my new Tahoe?
This pool car is a death-trap
Ride along, J-Fed?
already blue freeze-pop season, so be extra careful out there.
Something J-Fed might want to try when answering his beef.
The police beat me!
My rights are violated!
Mother F*cker Please!
Flaming Hots, Red Pop
Deez handcuffs is tight, dey hurt
y'all be thirsty, mayn.
Punishment
What U gonna do?
9-9 Midnights in the 006th?
Ha! Already There!
Typical homicide narrative:
Random shots rang out.
For no apparent reason.
Offender unknown
You smell like feces
So I will not arrest you
Not worth a warrant
Um, QUIET, the second line has 8 syllables, not 7... nice try....
4/05/2008 11:00:00 PM
Um, turtle lips, it's actually 5-7-5. The most famous of all haiku translates as follows...Old pond, frog jumps in, water sound. It's much more profound in Japanese.
So stick to what you know...gay porn!
Blood is everywhere
How many times was he shot?
Why does he still live?
Jody stop lying
Your not our friend, were not fools
We know what you are
Tall building jumper
Bitch, you get it over with
I aint got all day
1:05p said...
Child asleep on floor
The mama out smoking crack
Who'll take care of me?
-----------------------------------
Not me. I'm locked up.
Dope in car?. Police frame me!
Walk Junior to school. Thanks CPD.
damn you guys got me laughing--who says you need a college education for this job. this was an example of simply following instructions. GOOD WORK by all the creative writers.
MURDER
Baseball bat killed him
Police catch the offender
The guy is still dead
Again
Ol boy ball up fist
Put fist upside ol girl head
Will advise O.P.
Whay not?
Can I get time due
Or I can just throw a shoe
Thats what a dog do
Before he s#%t hisself
Partner is hangin
His farts smell like rotten milk
Give him two on end
Come on squad
I will take the job
Put a lunch ticket behind
Late lunch in 005 sarge
Frightened
Give me traffic car
I want to be by myself
furlough, partner gone
Tuition Due
Late job into night
Let me get this paper right
Big, fat yellow slip
Dude told the police
He's a Bad motherfucker
Thought he was half-right
_________
this is fun, SCC
and they say police are uneducated and not creative enough to make it in the private sector..-------------------
Who ever says that is really ignorant. Was it you or your ignarant friends?
PPO in twenty four
Phone call for desk crew
Not learning a thing
The baby Daddy
Giirl he ain't nothin to me
I don't love that man
The world acording to po-po:
Socks forgot to hold,
Coffee steam is comforting,
Shoes met elastic.
Don't tase me bro, shit!
Oh no, not again bro, ouch!
Okay, I be good now.
The world according to John Q. Public:
Lost my debit card,
Is that dog crap on my shoe?
How about them Cubs.
One turkey leg left.
Little bro ate my turkey.
Bang, bang, call police.
The world according to a Ho:
That is a fine ride,
Damn these shoes is killin' me,
I need some hype juice.
Mamma calls 911:
Baby daddy gone.
Baby daddy hit da road.
Baby daddy gone.
Police shoot bad guy
Show graduation photo
Future brain surgeon
4/05/2008 11:40:00 PM
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
OMG! LOL!
Drink Da Old English
Drink Da Steel Reserve my Bro
Time for 40 patrol.
Not another crime scene. . .
More bodies in the DOC.
Call for the Crime Lab.
That Dope A'int Mine, Man!
These Is My Brother's Carhardt
Call My Mama, Dog!
Y'all Just A'int Right.
Take Them Guns And Badges Off
And I'll Whoop Your Ass!
Will I Bond Tonight?
No, You're Going To County;
Gotts To See The Judge
White Cops Is Racist.
You Ever Do A White Boy
Like You Doing Me?
I Will, Young Black Man
When White Kids Start Slingin' Dope
On Every Corner
Until That Day, Sir
You're Just Another Court Date
To Help Pay My Bills
Yellow crime scene tape
Crowd demanding justice now
No one seen a thing
There ain't no job
To big or small
Can't be handled with a 19-p
four more years to go
good-bye city, state, and shit
where's my retro at!
Homicide Case report
shot by unknown man
hostile victim, no witness
notifications:
Homicide Follow Up
shot by unknown man
hostile victim, no witness
Suspend it let's eat
midnight wagon dinged,
cowards went on "IOD"
commander, anything?
Domestic
My man jumped on me
Called me all bees and aitches
Hit me with a smooth
In summary,
1 G S W to the head.
Notifications:
Sir Donkey, esq.
sorry, bad form on my part.
I'll try again when I'm sober.
Sir Donkey, esq.
Anonymous said...
There ain't no job
To big or small
Can't be handled with a 19-p
4/06/2008 11:07:00 PM
This was the best one.
This is fun, SCC. Here is my contribution:
Tie straightened, star on
weapon holstered, ready for work
oops, need black ink pen.
Give me your name, cop.
Pig, asshole, sometimes bitch, but
my son calls me dad.
Sacred brotherhood
Connected by a blue line
and a silver star.
Why is it that at the scene of the crime everyone knows the victim and no one knows the offender ?
plumbing don't work
shit in the tub
when the check gonna come
officer needs help
everyone responds quickly
all else is for naught
<< Home