Homicides Delayed
- The city of Chicago is steadily recovering from an overnight snowstorm that delayed hundreds of murders on Friday morning and will likely continue to push numerous homicides across the city drastically behind schedule, public authorities announced.
“As we speak, maintenance crews are working diligently to restore public transportation, de-ice roads, and clear back alleyways so that Chicagoans can quickly resume murdering again,” Department of Streets and Sanitation spokesman Dave Michelson said of the heavy blizzard, which caused numerous homicide cancellations this morning at peak murder times. “Unfortunately, we’re backed up by about 35 deadly shootings at the moment, but we hope to restore regular death tolls as soon as possible. We apologize to anyone forced to postpone shootings or other killings today and assure concerned murderers that they will be able to resume slayings by the early afternoon.”
At press time, authorities reported that murders were up and running in many parts of the city, with four teenagers already gunned down on Chicago’s South Side.
There's some catching up to do as we're currently about 10 murders behind last February.
Labels: silly people
posted by SCC at 12:04 AM
31 Comments:
Very funny shit.
Plodding, turgid and sophomoric compared to the real-life saga of Artavis Johnson directly below.
Ya know some idiot is gonna pick this up and report it as factual,But none the less,a great funny article.....
Perhaps we could also use the police to shovel the walks of the elderly?
i am sure the homicides will return with a vengeance later this weekend since it is supposed to be near 40 today and sunday
what say you?!? 10 behind for February? hmmmmm. gee, ya think all that OT (i.e. more police on the street) has had any effect?
too bad there aren't a couple of city wide units designed to saturate troubled areas in the districts.
oh well. keep paying that $$$.
Breaking News From the 011 Dist 2nd Watch News Desk.
Lt JA Aka "Stitches" just put in his papers!
You will be missed ! LMFAO
Did u read that on the Internet? Because they don't put anything on the Internet that isnt true.
On the bright side; Gov. Pat Quinn declared it a "Snow Day" and released 173 convicted murderers early.
that is a classic.....great stuff!
Speaking of murders, the Sun-Times Frank Main reportes that the individual that shot and killed the Colon girl was trying to kill the son of a westside preacher, who has asked to remain anonymous.
The Police brought the son in but he refused to identify his attempted killer. Fool, the killer might not miss the next time, and it is reported that both shooter and target are gang members.
They should have arrested the son for reckless endangerment because it could happen again, an innocent bystander getting shot and killed.
2 of those murders were on streets that Obama once drove down.
Plodding, Turgid and Sophomoric.
Sounds like a politically connected Chicago law firm, doesn't it?
Best Onion article ever....and most credible Chicago news story in the past ten years.
One million dollars to be spent for a skateboard park in Grant park. Our TIF money at work.
Last February it was 70 degrees by this point, I'm sure we'll have a flurry of gunfire as soon as the cold weather breaks...
McCarthy can go to hell. He is full of shit as are most Bosses on this job. I said most, not all so don't go getting your panties in a bunch. Besides he will be gone by April.
Someday.. I'm sure not in my time, the bosses will learn how to manage and motivate people through positive reinforcement. I have been on over 20 years and can count on almost 2 hands the amount of bosses I have worked for that are real proven leaders. I went back to school and as soon as I hit 50 Buh Bye... Or 53 LOL.
Why most of you bosses go out of your way to screw with a PO you don't like is beyond me. Do you really think that you will get people to perform? I mean we make you look good... Not the other way around.. Check your small ego at the door and learn how to be a real person. I remember the look on one Captains face when she threatened me with a personal concern.. I pulled out my pen and asked where do I sign. Of course nothing happend!
Grow a set a balls and head into the alley and settle it like men.
Anonymous said...
Breaking News From the 011 Dist 2nd Watch News Desk.
Lt JA Aka "Stitches" just put in his papers!
You will be missed ! LMFAO
Oh my god if this was only true. We would all come in with 15 contact cards, and 10 anovs a piece. This BOZO on second watch has got to be the worst DSS I have ever had the displeasure of working for. His self absorbed narcissistic dumb butt has no clue how to manage or deal with people. Like I stated before, 4 great SGTs have left the watch because of him and 7 POs also left.
Please Mr super DSS with all your tremendous organizational skills you acquired from your schools, do us all a favor and RETIRE cause none of us like working for you. And with that brick on your back you wrote a few years back you aint going anywhere you loser.
The KING has spoken, now I'm all shook up.
P.S. I think someone is falling off the wagon by falling down quite a bit don't you?
OT: Minutes ago Ford City Mall just closed due to a riot of some kind. Now reports of 500 running through the mall on Zone 6. See if this makes the news! Sorry for the Saturday afternoon decent shoppers.
Retired
Perhaps we could also use the police to shovel the walks of the elderly? Why not? It would be the most exersize some of our guys would get in a while.
Riot Ford City. Today rap yuth. CPD dist 8,7,9 on scene, 10 dist on standby. Burbank, Oak Lawn pd on scene to assist as of now.
2/23/2013 09:26:00 AM...
"...the individual that shot and killed the Colon girl was trying to kill the son of a westside preacher, who has asked to remain anonymous."
OH FUCK YES & THERE IT IS!
The MAIN muthafuckin' ingredient!
*CRICKETS*
Nobody with a big enough fuck to give, is willing to say SHIT about this madness.
You old heads in 011 might remember the incident years ago with The Police chasing a mutt to the church on Independence, only to end up fighting with his "family" there who tried to keep The Police from taking said mutt into custody.
These mutts having coffee and a giggle in the D/C's office with ol' grinnin' cow skull Claudell.
"We don't want y'all here anyway!"
OK... Call it even and play forward the planned destruction of CPD and replace it with Cocked-Hat Security & Public Safety Customer Service Aides.
It'll be the fantasy "part-time po-leece" these clown-ass aldercritters were jabbering about when they went crying to Rahm about "you betta check yo' supernintendo! he disrespectin' us!
Yes... PLEASE Pull out The Police and give them dat Cocked Hat Security they've been rotating their dentures for...
No standards. No certification. And as a sop to the LINK card bunch, no drug testing, $12 an hour and you keep your LINK, WIC and Section 8!
Oh yeah... Give 'em fully automatic "Donne Trotter Guns" and watch the fun!
"Yo ass unnuh arrest, bitch!"
*Poppety-Pop! >CLICK!< Cycle! Pop-Pop-Pfft! Cycle! >CLICK! CLICK!< *
Instead of districts, let them operate out of churches.
The critter-ridden, stinking to the point of bioluminescence homeless can camp out there.
We'll be out in the Illinois Country at our first fall-back laughing our ass off.
BTW did the city send out Streets and Sans or animal control to pickup the dead body with the hole in it's head on 67th and Ashland the other night?
Or maybe they just let it rot there until morning stinking up the place and creating a bio hazard in Rahm's World-Class city.
No crime lab avail. New strategy.
Makes us wonder about that body found frozen in the Chicago river
No Joke -
Quinn administration reintroduces prison early release program
Shades of the old MGT Push!
Mayor Transparency talks tuff about mandatory gun sentences. Along with many other political hacks. Only problem is the shitter is full.
Who ya crappin' mayor?
Wanna give the State your $55 million dollar Maggie Daley park money?
At a cost of $53K a year to imprison someone in Illinois you can put 1,000 gang members out of the 100,000 gang members that are here that are running the city away for a year?
If a person is face down in the snow as a result of gunplay and the pile gets plowed from chicago into oak park, who gets the statistic?
Rahm, you routinely make appearances at Public Schools using children as 'backdrops'. Kids are taken out of class and schools are virtually shut down to provide a captive audience for TV news reports. Could you start making these appearances where your kids go to school and take them out of classes for the day? Stop using poor kids!
Not the first time the onion comments on our...situation.
http://www.theonion.com/articles/chicagos-annual-homicide-drive-off-to-most-promisi,31066/
The murdometer is rising.
What happens to a homicide delayed?
Does it dry up...
Or fester...
Does it stink like rotten meat....
Or does it explode?
Fu***ng Funny!
Will the delayed homicides be back up to speed before the next snow storm on Tuesday, Chalkie?
Will the delayed homicides be back up to speed before the next snow storm on Tuesday, Chalkie?
2/24/2013 10:04:00 PM
ask me no questions and i'll tell you no lies.
Chalkies
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