The Only Solution

Applications being accepted for the position of Supernintendo of the Shit Show in Chicago:

• Mayor Rahm Emanuel’s revamped Police Board on Thursday launched a nationwide search for a new police superintendent amid concern that the furor over the Laquan McDonald shooting video and a federal civil rights investigation could diminish interest in the $260,000-a-year job.
  
  With a “code of silence” to eliminate and bridges to rebuild in the African-American community, the Police Board has established a tight time frame to fill the position held since May 2011 by larger-than-life Police Supt. Garry McCarthy.
  
  Applications are due Jan. 15. The board will then summon roughly 10 semi-finalists for in-person interviews before presenting the names of three finalists to Emanuel by the end of February.

Here's the link to the actual application for all interested parties.

But we'd like to make a proposal to save everyone some time, effort and the "jumping-through-the-hoops" circus that has led to the past two outsider disasters and the decades of unqualified, unimpressive, and underwhelming political animals inhabiting the 35th/Michigan and 11th/State offices.

We humbly offer our services to the Chicago Police Department as Superintendent of Police.

• We have an opinion on just about everything (see our written works);
• We support the rule of law, the Rights of all, and the Constitution;
• We're pretty damn smart;
• We use words like "integrity" and "diversity" and actually know what they mean;
• We don't tolerate fools.

And rather than waste everyone's time pretending the Police Board actually "reads" the massive amounts of essays and such that will be submitted, we offer the following:

• We will take the job for a guaranteed 3 years time frame - no ifs ands or buts. An option for an additional two years upon mutual agreement. All money will be paid in advance because we don't trust Rahm's accounting practices. This will be in contract form, vetted by legal experts of our choosing from out-of-state.
• We shall accept a salary of $1 less than the mayor, because you shouldn't make more than your boss.
• We will receive in writing, signed by the Police Board and mayor, a blanket exoneration of all CR's from the beginning of our term of office and retroactively backward regarding any and all complaints about the blog. We know there are a few, including IAD's illegal First Amendment investigation into Constitutionally guaranteed Free Speech during our off-duty hours. The former lieutenant (now commander) who initiated will be publicly caned with a rod made out of rolled-up facsimiles of the Constitution. This item is non-negotiable.
• We will guarantee a first-year savings in operational costs of no less than $15 million dollars.
• Carte Blanche in appointing our command staff - that means no input from the mayor, the aldercreatures, the Machine (city or county or Springfield), the "revrunds," the media, the ACLU (and other legal entities) or the feds. We will vouch for their ability and integrity. And believe us, our picks will be far superior to anything currently serving in an exempt capacity.

It's the only solution. You have our e-mail. We await your letter.