Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Poetic Justice

  • Authorities arrested a man whom bystanders say they hit with a frozen turkey when he carjacked a woman's sedan outside a Fuquay-Varina grocery store Sunday.
  • β€œThe lady was being beaten on the ground. She was lying on the ground and the guy was on top of her – physically hitting her,” shopper Randy Owens said.

    Bystanders intervened and hit the man in the head with a frozen turkey that Bailey bought, police said.

Time for the turkey-leg massacres and assorted holiday mayhem to begin.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

now that's really flipping him the bird. hope it was about a 25 pounder frozen solid.

11/25/2008 12:30:00 AM  
Anonymous fuquay-vagina said...

The Fuquay-Vagina grocery chain may expand to Metro Chicago next year.

For the safety and longevity of potential inner city homicide victims, all frozen turkeys will include a third drumstick.

11/25/2008 12:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You didn't finish the breast of the story. Turns out that he's run a fowl of the law before, including an incident when he was a student at Perdue. It seems he beat the stuffing out of an associate he co-owned a restaurant with for gobbling a day's worth of yams. Legend has it, the site is now haunted by a poultrygeist.

11/25/2008 12:57:00 AM  
Anonymous JODI WEISS said...


Frozen Turkeys Will Now Be Used In
All Violent Situations To Subdue The Perp

No More M-4's, Budget Reductions Ordered By My Puppetmaster Shortshanks Daley To Finance His Fairytale Dream In 2016

Gravy, Stuffing & Cranberry Use Is Optional, If You Have Time To Load It Into Your New Weapon

11/25/2008 01:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thats it...ban frozen turkey sales.

11/25/2008 06:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Apparently poultry related incidents aren't just a Chicago thing.

11/25/2008 06:47:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

When will we get the first story of the holiday season where Homer stabs his momma over her taking the last piece of bean pie.

11/25/2008 07:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And to top the Turkey Day stuff[ing], why don't we designate Dec. 1st as Talk like a Pirate Day. AAAARRRRRRRG, gimme yer presents, Missy, are yell be warkin da Plank....

11/25/2008 08:10:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds like the grounds for a good lawsuit. When folks interfere with a mans business they should be sued.

11/25/2008 09:09:00 AM  
Anonymous Traveler said...

Had that been Chicago the ASAs would go after the man using the turkey as a dangerous weapon, charge him with failing to register that weapon and settle giving the carjacker millions.

11/25/2008 09:16:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanksgiving....a true American Holiday!

11/25/2008 09:43:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

mayor shortshanks now spear heading an ordinance to outlaw unregistered frozen turkeys. In addition turn in your frozen turkeys and get a $100. Before leaving office Bush pushing through a nationwide concealed turkey carry for law enforcement.

11/25/2008 09:51:00 AM  
Anonymous THE JIVE TURKEY said...

My name sez it all......

11/25/2008 10:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

was watching an OLD Policewoman episode the other day and her partner Bill was chasing a guy and he screamed at him "FREEZE, YOU JIVE TURKEY!!" ahhhh the 70's

11/25/2008 10:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like a few bystanders will be indicted on agg. batt charges. Oh wait, it's not cook county.

11/25/2008 11:36:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He was out COLD TURKEY!

11/25/2008 04:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WOW!!!.....Talk about CREATIVE WRITING!!!19-P (as in Poultry)

11/25/2008 04:37:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm surprised bystanders stopped to help. Here in Chicago, all the liberals mind their own business, then piss and moan when they are the one in need, obviously unprepared, and people fail to help. They criticize those that are prepared as "paranoid," but will continually rely on others to help instead of helping themselves.

11/25/2008 04:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i agree..a turkey drumstick in place of my baton. gravy pepper spray. mash potatos used instead of driving over spike strips.

11/25/2008 04:51:00 PM  
Anonymous militantmarksman said...

There will be a mandatory 3 day waiting period on all turkeys, turkeys have to have a minimum weight of 12 lbs and a maximum of 18 lbs. Turkeys can only be bought in your state of residence.Potential owners must have a TOID card and have a satisfactory background check. You will have to register your turkey with the city,in the event your turkey is stolen and used in a crime,you darn well better make sure you report it missing.Failure to register with the Butterball hotline or Shortshanks Tyranical Taxing Team will result in you losing all poultry privelages pilgrims. Happy Thanksgiving one and all.

11/25/2008 06:07:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

All posts are sooooooooo creative! Thanks to all who made me laugh.

Happy Thanksgiving. Gobble.

11/25/2008 09:56:00 PM  
Anonymous happy thanksgiving said...

Was the turkey registered. Do you need to possess a TOID to buy a turkey?
Better yet. Ban the possession of all frozen fowl, unless you have a FFL = frozen fowl license.

11/25/2008 10:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What caliber was the turkey?

11/26/2008 06:02:00 AM  

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