Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Tight Fit

A few years back while we were car shopping, we were disappointed with the small trunk offered by the Toyota Avalon. The car critics were unhappy, too:
  • The Toyota Avalon is classified as a full-sized sedan, a species currently occupied by such stalwarts as the Ford Crown Victoria and Chevrolet Impala. The Avalon manages to look smaller and sleeker than those slab-sided vehicles, thanks to a crisply creased character line that runs the length of the car and a handsome front fascia that extends to a sculpted hood. Like most big four-doors, the rear overhang seems excessive, especially considering that its trunk volume of 14.4 cu.-ft. is puzzlingly small for this class.
After this story though, we might have to revisit the issue - it must have been visually deceiving:
  • Three bound bodies have been found inside the trunk of a car in Chicago's Brighton Park neighborhood on the Southwest Side, authorities said this morning.

    The bodies, all adults, were found by police in a Toyota Avalon slightly before 7 a.m. near 48th and South Whipple streets in an industrial area, police said.

    The discovery comes a little less than a month after three other bodies, all men, were found in a Pontiac Grand Prix about two miles away in the McKinley Park neighborhood with their hands bound behind their backs.

Fitting three bodies in a trunk is no mean feat. We suggest the detectives begin looking for neighborhood Tetris experts, maybe start searching any nearby Tetris hangouts and Tetris bars. Tetris is a Russian invention, isn't it? Maybe enlist Patrick Daley's help in going through some of the Russian cab stands or vodka bars.

By the way, the Grand Prix has 16 feet of trunk space and the rear seats fold down for more dead body... whoops, we mean cargo space.

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45 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Avalon has a smaller trunk, but the make up for it in... PASSENGER AREA. WAY better suited for prisoner transports. Unfortunately, they are reliable and go for a couple hundered thousand miles, so why on earth would the city want THAT!

5/19/2010 12:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bodies found "inside the car" don't count.

5/19/2010 12:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe J-fled can blame this one on Toyota and demand a recall. A whole new category deth by import.
O.T. Did anyone else notice that J-fled's head looks like one of those giant Mardi Gras decorations?

5/19/2010 12:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ABC News at ten said one of the deceased worked for Ceasefire. Priceless.

5/19/2010 12:23:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's all in how you pack'em. Refer to page 31 in the Toyota Manual.

5/19/2010 12:26:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wrong again, SCC!

It's just the Armenian looking for their money train loot.

RIP Lem!

5/19/2010 12:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wasn't sure where this was going until I read the news story...very well played, SCC...I did laugh out loud.

5/19/2010 12:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

2011 Toyota Avalon Options and Optional Packages.
ADDITIONAL EQUIPMENT
HEATED FRONT SEATS W/VARIABLE Victim Disbursement SETTING (N/A w/HM Driver Seat Memory.

They've thought of everthing.

5/19/2010 01:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Do these count as indoor or outdoor. They were found in a car but the car was outside. Will this be classified as both? J Fled please calrify.

5/19/2010 01:37:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm waiting for the SoccerBall w/ some mopes face stitched to it sitting in the middle of Lincoln Park. Compliments of your friendly neighborhood drug cartel. For years Chicago has been a major hub for Dope trafficing. This scenario will become a daily occurence thanks to Sanctuary City Shortshanks.

5/19/2010 01:39:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

By the way, J-Fled is classifying these 3 as an indoor homicide.

5/19/2010 02:01:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Three bodies in the trunk...

Eh, No Problem....

Just watch this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbQWO22pprk

5/19/2010 03:50:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, if their gang can get 3 bodies in a trunk, my gang will get 4 just to dis them.

And then I will document my achievement in their 'hood by writing it on garage doors.

5/19/2010 06:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So does the trunk count as an "indoors" homicide that doesn't count against J-Fled? I mean, the police can't be expected to know what's going on inside a trunk.

Christ. Only the feds could be that pathetic. Hey public, this is the same bunch of feds that couldn't catch Capone when he was bashing peoples heads in with baseball bats and running the largest crime organization in the nation. The best they could get that guy on was tax evasion.

Does that tell you the difference between the feds and the cops? Yeah, I thought it might.

Here endeth the lesson.

5/19/2010 06:35:00 AM  
Blogger Hotel said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

5/19/2010 07:23:00 AM  
Blogger 85 zebra said...

Hey two more bodies found in the trunk of a car behind the Copernicus Center in the Polish area of 016. They think it's the work of a Polish gang.
The bodies had their heads tied together and they were shot through the hands.

5/19/2010 07:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I believe it ended up being two bodies in the back seat and one in the trunk, thus demonstrating a definite lack of trunk room.

5/19/2010 07:46:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was watching the news about this story and the Humboldt Park hommies never disappoint for the cameras. They had Auntie hooting and hollerin about the stay at home dad (LOL) getting kilt and hamin it up for the cameras. To maintain the drama, an ambulance was called to treat her because of a medical emergency. Then they show the sperm donor coming to the crib with his cane hobbling his ass up the stairs and to not be outdone by the auntie, the sperm donor falls out and the CFD has to come to the house again. Classic Humboldt park drama all on camera. Gotta love this shit.

5/19/2010 07:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FYI-

2 were in the back seat, 1 crammed into the trunk!

5/19/2010 08:08:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ed in texas
[snark on]
OK, either you've got a killer targeting dwarfs- strike that, little people - or the the victims were all clowns. Literally. Honk honk.
[snark off]

5/19/2010 08:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How about Homicides "inside," "outside," and in "trunks of vehicles." What has happen to my beloved Department. We will never recover.

5/19/2010 08:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

maybe toyota can spin this into some good advertisement. gas pedal sticks..dont worry. we offer full comfort for those recently deceased.''wouldnt you like to spend you last few seconds in a toyota?''moniker.this would go over well in northern mexico with the drug cartels. why spend your $ on a big cadi when a toyota ''fits'' your needs? or a new line of cars ''el muerto''.

5/19/2010 08:54:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

that made me laugh

5/19/2010 09:00:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bet the Screaming Skull will want to CCX the initial 3 in the Gran Prix by way of the new 3 in the Avalon.

Just wait. . . . .

5/19/2010 09:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They'll fit if you fold them right...

5/19/2010 10:32:00 AM  
Blogger Hotel said...

Are car trunks indoor or outdoor?

5/19/2010 11:59:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

wow thats 7 people found in cars in the last month between the one way up on the north side and two sepaerate incidents of 3 the south. im no detective but im sure we will be seeing more of these cartel/mafia style visits from chalkie

5/19/2010 01:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Toyota Avalon??? It's a nice car and I intend to buy a 2011 myself. But what the hell, it's an old man's car. What kind of half-assed gangbanger was this guy?

5/19/2010 02:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So does this count as an "indoor" homicide that doesn't go against J-Fled? Because the police can't be expected to know what goes on inside trunks.

Only the feds could be this pathetic. These are the same guys who couldn't get anything on Capone while he was bashing people's brains out with bats and running the nation's largest criminal syndicate. They had to get him on tax evasion.

That should tell people the difference between feds and cops.

Here endeth the lesson.

5/19/2010 03:00:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

1 in the trunk and 2 in the back seat

5/19/2010 04:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Repost...

Three bodies in the trunk...

Eh, No Problem...

Just you watch...it's DeNiro...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbQWO22pprk

5/19/2010 04:27:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

His mother told him to buy a bigger vehicle.

5/19/2010 05:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Actually under new rules just announced by J Weis this will only count as one homicide. Unless he figures out a way to classify it as a multiple suicide or an accident.

5/19/2010 06:24:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Who cares. Hope they kill more by the 3's.All dope dealers anyway. Next the heads will be cut off like in Mexico.

5/19/2010 07:32:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Has J-FLED made the distinction between inside the car versus outside the car homicides.Wait it will come........

5/19/2010 08:29:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

and it is classified as a death investigation

5/19/2010 10:03:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is it true that we are calling multiple killings in one incident - one homicide? I heard this today and fear that we are sliding down a slippery slope.

5/19/2010 10:18:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was watching the news about this story and the Humboldt Park hommies never disappoint for the cameras. They had Auntie hooting and hollerin about the stay at home dad (LOL) getting kilt and hamin it up for the cameras. To maintain the drama, an ambulance was called to treat her because of a medical emergency. Then they show the sperm donor coming to the crib with his cane hobbling his ass up the stairs and to not be outdone by the auntie, the sperm donor falls out and the CFD has to come to the house again. Classic Humboldt park drama all on camera. Gotta love this shit.

...true dat, they fell out.

5/19/2010 10:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does the hotel/motel rule apply?

5/19/2010 10:20:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How many clowns can you pack in an Avalon? Only Ringling can answer that.

5/19/2010 10:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...
So does this count as an "indoor" homicide that doesn't go against J-Fled? Because the police can't be expected to know what goes on inside trunks.

Only the feds could be this pathetic. These are the same guys who couldn't get anything on Capone while he was bashing people's brains out with bats and running the nation's largest criminal syndicate. They had to get him on tax evasion.

That should tell people the difference between feds and cops.

Here endeth the lesson.

5/19/2010 03:00:00 PM

Hmmm...

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think, "bashing peoples brains out with bats" might fall under the locals' jurisdiction as well. Bottom line is the FEDS got him, the locals didn't...so now how do you turn that into the FEDS are inept?

5/19/2010 10:22:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would've never believed the Avalon trunk measures 3 Dead Hookers.

5/19/2010 11:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Within a few short weeks, after a shampoo of the rugs and upholstery, that car will be on a dealer lot...

"ONE OWNER-LOW MILES"

5/20/2010 12:06:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think, "bashing peoples brains out with bats" might fall under the locals' jurisdiction as well. Bottom line is the FEDS got him, the locals didn't...so now how do you turn that into the FEDS are inept?

5/19/2010 10:22:00 PM

That was indoors, so it doesn't count. Weren't you paying attention?

5/20/2010 04:31:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

...written on the back window in grease-pencil or soap, "Para Vende! Cheep!"

5/21/2010 05:12:00 PM  

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